Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Best of

I didn’t mention it in my last post, but those stats represent 5 months of online dating. It’s fun to look back on it and see just how far I’ve come (and how many freaking emails I got!).

Some of the emails were really quite funny, so here for your entertainment is a compilation of the most amusing communications from potential suitors, with some of my real and imagined responses. (Note: all names changed. Terrible spelling and punctuation as per original emails received though.)

From Nigel:
Hello from Nigel, I am honest, straight and a gentleman. I am looking to carefully build a relationship with soulmate, wife, partners for life as ultimate result. I feel it is important that each others goals, desires and needs are understood and compatiable, essential for a long term relationship. To be able to express ones true feelings and emotions without fear of ridicule or resentment is paramount to building trust and mutual respect .

To Nigel, a red-headed and bearded smoker:
Hi Nigel,

thanks for your email, you sound like a really nice guy but I'm going to cut this short and say I can't handle a regular smoker.

Sorry for being picky, I'm sure it's my loss.

take care,
bb

From Nigel:
Hi from Nigel, would you like to talk sometime, my direct email is xxx@xxx.co.nz

From Nigel again:
Hello from Nigel, I am quiet faithfull hardworking and looking for lifetime partner/soulmate to share life with. Have seperated after 10yrs marriage and looking to build relationship slowly and carefully this time as rushed previously with obvious result. Not a dancer, don't go to the gym but love the outdoors and boating/fishing in particular and will shortly begin building boat to replace the one I sold to buy house. Quality time and relaxation are important and there is nothing better than a secluded bay on a nice sunny day. I am an outside smoker and considering quitting, just need a little motovation.

Would love to hear from you, maybe we could meet some time for dinner or coffee and a walk along the beach somewhere.

Number of strikes against Nigel:
7 (the name, the ginger, the beard, the filthy habit, the job-application type letter, the lack of spell-check, punctuation and white space, the inability to get the message...)

To Nigel:
Thanks for writing again and the offer of meeting up, but I don't think it's going to happen.


From Kamal in India:
hello

This is KAMAL--- i live in NEWDELHI - CAN WE BECOME FRIENDS AND SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES I AM SURE WE WILL FIND EACH OTHER INTERESTING AND LIKE EACH OTHER - i love trekking, photography, driving my car for long distances, movies, music ,write me back soon

YOU CAN CONTACT ME FOR FREE

To Kamal:
Thanks but your indiscriminate use of capital letters BUGS ME.


From Robbie (Germany):
Hi sunshine.I saw your photo ,you look like very beautiful.I love your friendly smile and your eyes.I think that you are a happy and lucky young girl.I want to get to know you.

I hope you write me back.because I think it is very nice to have a friend on the other side of the world.We can send messages,we can chat we can phone or we can visit each other. I see you ,take care Robbie


From Arild, who would like to speak English but who seriously does not (without a word of a lie, this is exactly what he sent to me):

from one Norwegian viking

My plan is to mov away from nort and to soat, and way not New Seland if ai have one naze girl to met dhear.

My Englech spelling is not so wel ai no put you can lern me to be better

My selve is one handy man ai beliw can trea work rep the car weld fixs ships engen etc-etc .

Me hobby is may live likke to fiche bay cykling monten-tripps skiing som yers sins last.

Ai only wonte to meat wone girl to spend the rest off may live thugether wit and ai hait raini-wether.

Has may one small farm at vest-coct off Niorway cloced to the sea . May jobb is 1-engener wold-wilde.

Best from Youre Arild


To the viking:
Hi Arild

I didn't understand a word of your email, but just wanted to say hello from New Zealand.


From 'Usefultimer' in Hong Kong (attached):
hi

thanks for spending your time reading my profile.would be glad if u shared my idea of being friends or a word in reply will be greatly appreciated.

take care and have a nice day

bye


To 'Usefultimer':
Hi there,

Thanks but I don't share your idea of being friends, I have no interest in a pen pal.

Just being honest here, nothing personal.

take care


'argust' writes (in response to my profile that says I love it when people cook for me):
hello pretty brunette,,,, I could be tempted to cook for you.... spaghetti bolognaise ???? red wine ...???

hey do you like motorbikes..... could take for a ride with a complimenatry coffee along the way... have a chat and see what happens ???

cheers

To argust (54):
Hi there,

thanks for your email and the nice offer, very appealing. However as youthful looking as you are, I'm really hoping to meet someone closer to my own age. Hope you understand.

All the best

bb

'argust' writes:
Oh.... sigh !!!! yes I do understand, and thankyou for the compliment as to my youthfulness..... weeeeeell if it's not too much bother... do keep the offer in mind.... just in case you're stuck for something to do..... I'd be honoured to hear from you.....


'soulconnect' in India writes:
wow, you look so sensual!

luv
Jay

Rick writes:
I will just say: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, OUTSIDE AND INSIDE AS WELL

brunettebabe writes:
well thank you for your nice words!


Lars (Sweden) writes:
Hi,

I hope that you are well? I think that we may have a lot of things in common if we tried to learn about each other. I would like to get to know you if you will let me. I love other cultures and history. I am very tight with my family (we all live in the same town), especially my twin-brother and older sister, my dearly beloved mother is unfortunately dead and my father is a bit strange so I do not have so much contact with him, but it is his choice. He is a retired policeman and I think that his job changed him a bit.

To Lars:
Ummm, that was more than I ever wanted to know about your family but thanks for sharing…


Darryl writes:
Hi My name is Darryl I am interested in you, I dont quite know how to put it in words but I think we could become friends, I know that we are not a good match because i dont fit your profile. However I do think it could be worthwhile for us to meet. If you are interested my email address is xxx@msn.com

To Darryl (whose profile says he is looking for “a lady who enjoys life and is not motivated by a over whelming [sic] need to get married as a pretext to a relationship”):

Hi Darryl,


thanks for your email but I think you're right when you say we're not a good match - you see, I want to get married to the first man I meet (kidding).

But seriously, I'm not here for casual/friendship so I'll leave it at that.

take care
bb


'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I think you are very interesting person and very sexy look as well.

I might not be the person you are looking for, but who knows!?.

brunettebabe writes:
Hi there,

Just wanted to say thanks for your nice words. Nice to hear from you, but my subscription is about to expire and I'm going to take a break from being online.

cheers
bb

'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I understand that you are not really satisfied in this way of meeting the (right people). I realized from the start that you are a special woman, and it is hard for you to find a suitable man.

Wish you good luck for the future, and if you wish to contact me then you are welcome!


'loveyourprince' from India writes:
Hello my dear,

In response to your profile I hereby furnish my profile as under regarding friendship or marriage :

MYSELF

NAME : RAJINDER SINGH

AGE : 40+

HEIGHT : 1.87 M (6’–2")

EDUCATIONAL QUALIFICATIONS :

a) MASTER OF COMPUTER APPLICATIONS( M.C.A.)
BACHELOR OF TECHNOLOGY (B.TECH.)
(COMPUTER SCIENCE & ENGINEERING ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

b) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A.)
( FINANCE MANAGEMENT ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

c) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A)
( MARKERTING MANAGEMENT) (California,U.S.A.)

Passed in First Division.

d) MASTER OF SCIENCE ( PUNJAB)
Passed in High Second Division.


SERVICE : At present working in a permanent capacity as Senior Lecturer in a Govt. Institute

-getting Rs. 24,000/- per month nearly.

Trying to Join shortly as a MANAGER in a reputed Multinational Company-with High Five Figure Salary.

I WILL BE GETTING CANADA PERMANENT IMMIGRATION VERY SOON.


ASSETS: Having my own Flat (Drawing Dining, 3 bedrooms), in a very beautiful city CHANDIGARH, (INDIA) .

PERSONALITY : Handsome, fair, clean shaven, conspicuous and an athletic look.

If suits then please reply me with a recent snap so as to proceed further.


With best wishes,

Sincerely yours,
RAJINDER SINGH


To 'loveyourprince':
Thanks for your resume, but we’re not hiring at the moment.


'otunba' writes:
Hello babe,

my name is Johnsmith living in kuala lumpur babe i love ur profile and im highly interested in u let Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness. My dear, you are a great gardener. I admire you:)

how i wish if i can spend d rest of my eternity life with u also

We can never say how friendship would go and how long we'd stay together. All I know is that even if we'd be miles apart you would remain as the sweetest piece of puzzle completing my life.

i look forward to hear from u soon


To 'otunba':
I think I know what plant you’ve been reaping lately.

2 Comments:

At 15 September 2006 at 2:50 AM, Anonymous TravelGirlDC said...

You are a better person than me. I don't even bother responding to the crazy foreigners who can't spell. I don't even respond to the locals who can't spell!

 
At 7 October 2006 at 3:38 AM, Blogger The Dummy said...

LOL - what's with these guys? I wonder if any people actually fall for their profiles?

 

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