Spring!

The sun is shining and all is right in the world...

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I didn’t mention it in my last post, but those stats represent 5 months of online dating. It’s fun to look back on it and see just how far I’ve come (and how many freaking emails I got!).

Some of the emails were really quite funny, so here for your entertainment is a compilation of the most amusing communications from potential suitors, with some of my real and imagined responses. (Note: all names changed. Terrible spelling and punctuation as per original emails received though.)

From Nigel:
Hello from Nigel, I am honest, straight and a gentleman. I am looking to carefully build a relationship with soulmate, wife, partners for life as ultimate result. I feel it is important that each others goals, desires and needs are understood and compatiable, essential for a long term relationship. To be able to express ones true feelings and emotions without fear of ridicule or resentment is paramount to building trust and mutual respect .

To Nigel, a red-headed and bearded smoker:
Hi Nigel,

thanks for your email, you sound like a really nice guy but I'm going to cut this short and say I can't handle a regular smoker.

Sorry for being picky, I'm sure it's my loss.

take care,
bb

From Nigel:
Hi from Nigel, would you like to talk sometime, my direct email is xxx@xxx.co.nz

From Nigel again:
Hello from Nigel, I am quiet faithfull hardworking and looking for lifetime partner/soulmate to share life with. Have seperated after 10yrs marriage and looking to build relationship slowly and carefully this time as rushed previously with obvious result. Not a dancer, don't go to the gym but love the outdoors and boating/fishing in particular and will shortly begin building boat to replace the one I sold to buy house. Quality time and relaxation are important and there is nothing better than a secluded bay on a nice sunny day. I am an outside smoker and considering quitting, just need a little motovation.

Would love to hear from you, maybe we could meet some time for dinner or coffee and a walk along the beach somewhere.

Number of strikes against Nigel: 7 (the name, the ginger, the beard, the filthy habit, the job-application type letter, the lack of spell-check, punctuation and white space, the inability to get the message...)

To Nigel:
Thanks for writing again and the offer of meeting up, but I don't think it's going to happen.

From Kamal in India:
hello

This is KAMAL--- i live in NEWDELHI - CAN WE BECOME FRIENDS AND SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES I AM SURE WE WILL FIND EACH OTHER INTERESTING AND LIKE EACH OTHER - i love trekking, photography, driving my car for long distances, movies, music ,write me back soon

YOU CAN CONTACT ME FOR FREE

To Kamal:
Thanks but your indiscriminate use of capital letters BUGS ME.

From Robbie (Germany):
Hi sunshine.I saw your photo ,you look like very beautiful.I love your friendly smile and your eyes.I think that you are a happy and lucky young girl.I want to get to know you.

I hope you write me back.because I think it is very nice to have a friend on the other side of the world.We can send messages,we can chat we can phone or we can visit each other. I see you ,take care Robbie

From Arild, who would like to speak English but who seriously does not (without a word of a lie, this is exactly what he sent to me):

from one Norwegian viking

My plan is to mov away from nort and to soat, and way not New Seland if ai have one naze girl to met dhear.

My Englech spelling is not so wel ai no put you can lern me to be better

My selve is one handy man ai beliw can trea work rep the car weld fixs ships engen etc-etc .

Me hobby is may live likke to fiche bay cykling monten-tripps skiing som yers sins last.

Ai only wonte to meat wone girl to spend the rest off may live thugether wit and ai hait raini-wether.

Has may one small farm at vest-coct off Niorway cloced to the sea . May jobb is 1-engener wold-wilde.

Best from Youre Arild


To the viking:
Hi Arild

I didn't understand a word of your email, but just wanted to say hello from New Zealand.

From 'Usefultimer' in Hong Kong (attached):
hi

thanks for spending your time reading my profile.would be glad if u shared my idea of being friends or a word in reply will be greatly appreciated.

take care and have a nice day

bye


To 'Usefultimer':
Hi there,

Thanks but I don't share your idea of being friends, I have no interest in a pen pal.

Just being honest here, nothing personal.

take care

'argust' writes (in response to my profile that says I love it when people cook for me):
hello pretty brunette,,,, I could be tempted to cook for you.... spaghetti bolognaise ???? red wine ...???

hey do you like motorbikes..... could take for a ride with a complimenatry coffee along the way... have a chat and see what happens ???

cheers

To argust (54):
Hi there,

thanks for your email and the nice offer, very appealing. However as youthful looking as you are, I'm really hoping to meet someone closer to my own age. Hope you understand.

All the best

bb

'argust' writes:
Oh.... sigh !!!! yes I do understand, and thankyou for the compliment as to my youthfulness..... weeeeeell if it's not too much bother... do keep the offer in mind.... just in case you're stuck for something to do..... I'd be honoured to hear from you.....

'soulconnect' in India writes:
wow, you look so sensual!

luv
Jay

Rick writes:
I will just say: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, OUTSIDE AND INSIDE AS WELL

brunettebabe writes:
well thank you for your nice words!

Lars (Sweden) writes:
Hi,

I hope that you are well? I think that we may have a lot of things in common if we tried to learn about each other. I would like to get to know you if you will let me. I love other cultures and history. I am very tight with my family (we all live in the same town), especially my twin-brother and older sister, my dearly beloved mother is unfortunately dead and my father is a bit strange so I do not have so much contact with him, but it is his choice. He is a retired policeman and I think that his job changed him a bit.

To Lars:
Ummm, that was more than I ever wanted to know about your family but thanks for sharing…

Darryl writes:
Hi My name is Darryl I am interested in you, I dont quite know how to put it in words but I think we could become friends, I know that we are not a good match because i dont fit your profile. However I do think it could be worthwhile for us to meet. If you are interested my email address is xxx@msn.com

To Darryl (whose profile says he is looking for “a lady who enjoys life and is not motivated by a over whelming [sic] need to get married as a pretext to a relationship”):

Hi Darryl,

thanks for your email but I think you're right when you say we're not a good match - you see, I want to get married to the first man I meet (kidding).

But seriously, I'm not here for casual/friendship so I'll leave it at that.

take care
bb

'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I think you are very interesting person and very sexy look as well.

I might not be the person you are looking for, but who knows!?.

brunettebabe writes:
Hi there,

Just wanted to say thanks for your nice words. Nice to hear from you, but my subscription is about to expire and I'm going to take a break from being online.

cheers
bb

'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I understand that you are not really satisfied in this way of meeting the (right people). I realized from the start that you are a special woman, and it is hard for you to find a suitable man.

Wish you good luck for the future, and if you wish to contact me then you are welcome!

'loveyourprince' from India writes:
Hello my dear,

In response to your profile I hereby furnish my profile as under regarding friendship or marriage :

MYSELF

NAME : RAJINDER SINGH

AGE : 40+

HEIGHT : 1.87 M (6’–2")

EDUCATIONAL QUALIFICATIONS :

a) MASTER OF COMPUTER APPLICATIONS( M.C.A.)
BACHELOR OF TECHNOLOGY (B.TECH.)
(COMPUTER SCIENCE & ENGINEERING ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

b) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A.)
( FINANCE MANAGEMENT ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

c) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A)
( MARKERTING MANAGEMENT) (California,U.S.A.)

Passed in First Division.

d) MASTER OF SCIENCE ( PUNJAB)
Passed in High Second Division.


SERVICE : At present working in a permanent capacity as Senior Lecturer in a Govt. Institute

-getting Rs. 24,000/- per month nearly.

Trying to Join shortly as a MANAGER in a reputed Multinational Company-with High Five Figure Salary.

I WILL BE GETTING CANADA PERMANENT IMMIGRATION VERY SOON.


ASSETS: Having my own Flat (Drawing Dining, 3 bedrooms), in a very beautiful city CHANDIGARH, (INDIA) .

PERSONALITY : Handsome, fair, clean shaven, conspicuous and an athletic look.

If suits then please reply me with a recent snap so as to proceed further.


With best wishes,

Sincerely yours,
RAJINDER SINGH


To 'loveyourprince':
Thanks for your resume, but we’re not hiring at the moment.

'otunba' writes:
Hello babe,

my name is Johnsmith living in kuala lumpur babe i love ur profile and im highly interested in u let Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness. My dear, you are a great gardener. I admire you:)

how i wish if i can spend d rest of my eternity life with u also

We can never say how friendship would go and how long we'd stay together. All I know is that even if we'd be miles apart you would remain as the sweetest piece of puzzle completing my life.

i look forward to hear from u soon


To 'otunba':
I think I know what plant you’ve been reaping lately.

Online dating by numbers:

Men who approached me (excluding virtual kisses): 78
Virtual kisses received: 60

Men I initiated contact with: 3
Men who responded: 0 (boo!)

Countries men have contacted me from (excluding New Zealand): 20

Australia, Cayman Islands, Colombia, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Finland, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Norway, Peru, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, UK

Men who admitted to being ‘attached’ who contacted me: 3 (Well, at least they were honest)

Oldest man to contact me: 60 years old (Nice try, grandpa)

Men I have met in person: 10
Men who made it to a second date: 4

Men I kissed: 2
Men I kissed who subsequently shunned me without explanation: 1

Notches on my bedpost: 1

Songs to feel blue to

Lyrics of songs that I will avoid listening to for the foreseeable future:

Alllll byyy myyy-self… Don’t wanna be - all by myself, anymore...
As seen being belted out by a drunken Bridget Jones. Coincidentally – and unfortunately – it’s also apparently my ‘birth song’, number 1 on the charts at the time I was born. I hope that’s not a bad omen.




Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why
From gorgeous and slightly melancholy Denverites The Fray


Who’s gonna love you when your looks are gone?
'Outrageous’ from Paul Simon’s new CD – which you can listen to here


One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know…
From the Magnolia soundtrack by Aimee Mann.


Instead, I think I’ll take comfort in the lyrics of Lilly Allen, a slightly bitter but oh so funny girl who sings this lovely little number with her gorgeous cockney accent:

I never wanted things to end up this way
You’ve only got yourself to blame
I’m gonna tell the world you’re rubbish in bed now
And that you’re small in the game

You really should listen to it if you get the chance, it’s very catchy…

Unraveling

So as I was saying, I turned to insecure girly mush and truthfully – it felt HORRIBLE to be suspended in uncertainty and vulnerable like that. Really not fun at all.

But thinking back, I remember going through the same thing with my last boyfriend too, when things progressed from ‘yeah, I kinda like him but, you know, whatever’ to ‘if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him I’m going to be CRUSHED’. I slipped into that dreamy glow and began to really, REALLY like him. (Lots of CAPS in this post so you know my feelings are really INTENSE…)

The turning point with that guy was after we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months and I invited him to come to a family dinner. I really wanted my family to meet him, and him to meet them, but I worried he wouldn’t want to. I nervously extended the invitation – at short notice I might add – and he responded beautifully. He’d already made plans for that night but said that he’d love to meet my family and that he’d reschedule his other plans. Swoon. And at that point I relaxed totally, because it was clear that yes, he liked me too.

So here I was, out on a limb, waiting for something similar from Matt. Waiting for a sign that this was more than just a fling. That I’m special, that he doesn’t deliver purity tests to online maidens all over the city in order to hustle them into bed. That he actually likes me as a person and wants to get to know me. But it never came. I was always more interested in spending time with him than he was with me. And at what should have been the honeymoon phase of a relationship, I knew it was a BAD sign.

Sure, there were things going on for him that made it reasonably difficult for him to spend time with me – exams he needed to study hard for, then he worked every day back-to-back during his holidays to earn some much needed cash – but I knew that if he liked me enough, none of that would have mattered and he would have made some extra time for me. The bottom line, I realized - he’s just not that into me.

And what a bitter blow that was. I really didn’t expect it. I’d kind of mapped out this path of how things would go once I started the online dating thing, and in my mind it went like this:

Guy #1 – dud, try again.
Guy #2 – dud, try again.
Guy #3 – dud, try again.
Guy #4 – dud, try again.

Ad nauseum, until finally:
Guy #x – JACKPOT! Success, they lived happily ever after, The End…

It truly never crossed my mind that I would meet a man who triggered all the right buttons in me (chemistry, personality, etc) and that he wouldn’t like me as much as I liked him, and that I would have to go back to meeting dud guys again.

Naïve, sure. But a crushing disappointment nonetheless. Just the thought of meeting more mediocre guys drained every ounce of energy out of my body and made me feel very, very jaded. Blah.

At this stage, though, it’s all in my head. I’m 99.9% sure about what’s going on, but I’m not asking Matt if I’m right and he’s certainly not prompting any talks about feelings either.

The reasons I’m not asking:
1) I don’t want to be the girl who asks ‘where is this going?’, I just don’t.

2) I don’t want to hear the answer I think is coming because then I’d probably be obliged to stop sleeping with him out of self-respect and I don't want to do that either.

So we plod along like this for quite a while. Me reading layers upon layers of meaning into his every text message, instant message and every word that comes out of his mouth, agonizing over what he’s thinking. Him mostly keeping me at arm’s length with excuses of busyness.

Several times I decide enough! It’s over, that’s it. And I would delete his number from my phone and block him on IM and vow never to initiate contact again and cry some lonely tears. And then I’d either crumble in the light of day and put him back in my phone and unblock him on IM and talk to him again, or he’d contact me and I’d act normal, as though I hadn’t just broken up with him in my head.

And on it went until the weekend I decided that it was time to resolve things and duly noted it on my to-do list. Sunday morning and I’m online, checking email, browsing the net when the little box pops up in the corner and tells me Matt’s just signed in. My heart beats a little faster, the way it always does. He IMs me and we have a light conversation about our weekends.

He casually mentions that he’s been spending ridiculous amounts of money on petrol lately and that he’s decided to ‘stay housebound’ for a while. I read that as code for “I’m not planning on visiting you for a while”. And since I’ve only been to his place once, a student flat he shares with about 5 others, and I don’t really get the feeling that he likes having me there, I figure that me visiting him isn’t on the agenda either. So I say “sounds like we won’t be seeing each other any time soon”, to which he replies “well, we'll just take things as they come, yeah”. Translation: no, we won’t.

My heart sinks. This is my cue, time to start the conversation I don’t want to have. I struggle to find the words.

BB to Matt: I get that you've got a lot going on.
BB to Matt: But I guess at heart I'm a kinda high maintenance girl. Need a certain level of attention.
Matt to BB: I don't think that makes you high maintenance... I think that's normal

I try to figure out what to say next but I can’t get it out, even on IM. Minutes pass and then Matt changes the subject. Some lighthearted chitchat follows and we sign off.

I go away and over breakfast and housework I think about what I couldn’t say, and about what Matt also wasn’t saying. And I realize that it’s time something was said. So I text him:

I should move on & find
myself another fella,
right? I think you’re too
nice to come out & say it
yourself. But I’d rather
know than wait in vain.

I cringe as I hit the send button. Oops. Oh well, there goes nothing. And I wait for a reply. I don’t get one straight away. I wonder if he’s thinking about how to reply. Part of me hopes that he’s jumped in his car to drive over so we can talk things through. And I get the fright of my life when about half an hour later I hear a car pull up and a knock on the door – but no, it’s Mum come over to say hello.

She leaves after a few minutes and I head out to do the rest of my weekend errands. I figure I’ll get a response at some point. And it doesn’t really matter what it is. Even just sending it off I feel relieved.

And eventually, as I’m unpacking my groceries, the answer does come back:

I didn’t notice ur
message until now. I’m
sorry if u thought I was
ignoring it. Hey, u won’t
shun me if we keep it
platonic, will u?

I shed a little tear at the confirmation of what I knew all along, that he doesn’t like me enough to do any better than he did. I feel so alone.

Of course not, but u know
that’s not what I want so
I will need some time to
myself for a bit. Give me
a week or 3 and then
we’ll be sweet, k?

Thank u. I realised that
if we were going to get
serious I would have to
bring something to the
table so to speak. Can’t
do that as a student so
not fair on u

So there it was. I got things resolved, just as I'd intended. It just wasn't the resolution I'd ever wanted.