The Smooth Course of Love

Sydney lovebirds

2007-03-27T22:58:00.000+12:00

Cute, huh? The first picture was a stroke of good luck - they'd been hopping from branch to branch and just happened to sit side-by-side like that just long enough for me to snap them. I loved the picture so much I kept an eye out for avian pairs the rest of my trip. I like the Opera House couple too (even though that's a blurry shot).

Speed blogging

2007-03-13T21:51:00.000+13:00

I'm feeling incredibly busy and time-poor right now (and also low-energy and tired) so tonight is not the night for long rambling posts, even though I am way behind in telling you about Cute Canadian, among other things.

I leave for a four-day weekend in Sydney on Thursday morning so I have just three days at work this week to get a whole lot of stuff done... Also, next weekend I've signed up to do a three-day training in something bold, physical and well out of my comfort zone. I have some prep to do and no time people, no time!

So in lieu of details, details, details, you get a maximum of eight carefully chosen words on CC and Quirky Film Guy.

Cute Canadian: kind, generous, conversation/chemistry lacking, yet still contending...

Quirky Film Guy: entertaining, interesting, inspiring, über-smooth, departing on location...

Actually, 8 words each almost brings you right up to speed... I'll fill in some gaps when I'm back from Sydney.

Kisses,
bb

Brown and orange and blonde and bald

2007-03-07T23:01:00.000+13:00

I'm holding out on you - three weekends of dates with Cute Canadian have passed us by and not a one has made its way into a post yet...

I will endeavour to remedy that in the next couple of days but for now I just don't have the time to do it justice.

In the meantime, tomorrow night I'm having drinks with Quirky Film Guy from speed dating. I'm expecting to enjoy myself because he's a smart, fun, creative guy with a way cool job. I'm not counting on sparks though. I hesitate to confess this because it's shallow but the red-headed guys do nothing for me, generally speaking. Actually neither do the blondes. Or bald guys, now that I think of it.

If I'm really honest, I'm a brunette gal looking for a man-brunette to call her own. However, a wise friend once said to me that we should be open to the possibility that love may one day come in a package different to the one we expected.
Sounds sensible to me, so drinks with cool, quirky, red-headed film guy tomorrow night it is...

And the contact details go to…

2007-02-27T22:11:00.000+13:00

So you’ll recall that after my spontaneous night of speed dating I posted straight away to see if my instincts are any good and if I could predict who would be interested in me.

Seems like my elite status got to my head, because my strike rate? A dismal 50%. I might as well have flipped a coin.

Now, I didn't even tell you about the guys I said no to yet... You see Auckland, even though it has about a million people living here, it is small. And the population of eligible single men - smaller still (we are officially in the midst of a man drought).

I walked into the room where the event was being held, coolly cast my gaze around the room to scope the talent only to immediately register that amongst the 'sexy singles' was a guy who'd been trying to engage me in online chat for ages through various dating sites (I just wasn't interested) and another guy I'd been on one date with (and ruled out due to total lack of chemistry). Ye gods, has it come to this?

I pretty much decided - even before getting my results - that I would not want to go speed dating again (even for free).

Regardless, I got my matches by email the next day, and although they told me I had retained my elite status (phew!), I only had two matches (meaning we each were given the other's contact details).

Bachelor #1 declined me, which surprised me a little but bothered me not one bit. He was nice, but a little bland. Bachelor #3, the hottest man of the night, also totally rejected me. And while that’s a little rough on the ego, I can handle it. (I found out after the event he was a smoker anyway, which is pretty much a deal breaker for me…)

Of course Bachelor #4, the one I regretted saying yes to, said yes to me. I entered his cellphone number into my phone so I could screen him if he called – but the sneaky devil called from another number and caught me unawares. Which led to me agreeing to go to dinner with him, when really I didn’t want to…

Bachelor #2, cool film guy, also said yes and got in touch by text. Now him, I was actually glad to hear from. He was fun and interesting to talk to, and while I don’t think I’m attracted to him, I could see us having fun hanging out. So we’re meant to be doing something this week.

The further through the weekend I got, the more I regretted agreeing to dinner with Bachelor #4. I just couldn't get enthusiastic. Normally I'd give most anyone a chance, but with Cute Canadian on the scene I didn't really see the point.

Of course it would have been so much easier if I’d figured this all out on the night and just said no then - but since I didn't, now I had to rebuff him. I’d kind of resigned myself to just going to dinner and then giving him the ‘I don't think we're compatible’ speech, but after a great date with the Canadian (more on which to come in a forthcoming post) I realised I didn't want to do it. And also that it wasn’t fair to him to force myself to go out with him. He was a nice guy even if he didn’t do it for me – he deserves some respect.

So Sunday evening, I called his cellphone to cancel. Now, I am so not good at ‘difficult conversations’, which I absolutely class this as. So to actually pull this off, I had to sit down with a list of bullet points in front of me to cover off. I mentally rehearsed it a couple of times, and then – finally – dialled his number (accompanied by silent prayers of ‘don’t pick up, don’t pick up, please don’t let him pick up’). And whaddaya know - the dating angels smiled on me and actually let it go through to voicemail. (Halleluja!)

I told him I was sorry but I had to cancel dinner because I’d started seeing someone recently and over the weekend it had gotten a little more serious. That I was sorry to stuff him around, but I didn’t think it was fair to waste his time. I think I did a good enough of a job that he wouldn’t feel too bad about it, which was my aim. I felt like an idiot telling him about things ‘getting more serious’, but lordy, the sweet relief when I hung up! (And I was proud of myself for not sending it to him in a text, something I seriously considered...)

In conclusion, I am so over speed dating...

Taking care of the quantity...

2007-02-20T23:54:00.000+13:00

Hey peeps, brunette babe here. I may have had a glass more of champagne than I should have tonight so forgive me for any typos or unnecessary rambling...

I've just come home from a night of speed dating. It wasn't my intention tonight to sit down with 8 different men and chat for 8 minutes with each of them - actually I was rather looking forward to a night on the couch with Ugly Betty and then early to bed (I'm tired from the weekend, which I'll have to tell you about another time).

But, I was driving home tonight and at 6.08pm I got a call from Fast Impressions, the company I went speed dating with last year (after which I was designated an elite single gal by them for getting the majority's vote). They were running an event tonight and were short a woman or two (or three, as it turned out) and asked me if I would go - for free.

I couldn't think of a good reason not to go (for free!), and so I said yes. Which meant I had precisely 42 minutes to get home, get ready, and then hit the road again.

Anyway, I went, and I'll tell you more about it another time, but for now it's late and I thought I'd just quickly post my predictions regarding matches. I'm having more faith in my instincts these days (since I so accurately predicted Finlay's affections going off the boil) so I'm interested to see if I can pick what will happen.

Out of the eight men there tonight, there were four I said yes to - if they also said yes I'll get a message tomorrow with their details.

Bachelor #1: a sweet guy, very pleasant and with nice manners. (Possibly lacking a little oomph, but not a definite no.) I predict he will say yes

Bachelor #2: a quirky, creative, slightly ginger guy working in the film industry. I predict he'll say yes - we had an interesting conversation in our 8 minutes and seemed to connect.

Bachelor #3: best looking guy of the bunch, and quite interesting to boot. I hope he'll say yes - but I'm not sure. Our conversation showed potential but ultimately was a tad stilted. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he'll say yes, but of all the bachelors, he's the one I'm least sure of.

Like I said, I hope so - he went with a female friend to this night and afterwards I walked past them having a drink at another bar. I joined them for a cocktail and I had fun talking to #3. We'll see...

Bachelor #4: I kind of regret saying yes to him. He was nice enough but was a little too obvious about talking about his yacht, and his company and how he started it for lifestyle reasons (so he could have time to spend with his kids - which he doesn't have yet). Nice, but tried a little too hard to impress. I think he'll say yes to me though.

So, arrogant, huh? I think every guy that I was interested in will also be interested in me. That's just asking for a fall, really.

But we shall see...

V-Day/B-Day wrap-up (plus an embarrassing confession)

2007-02-16T23:14:00.000+13:00

V-Day

The great thing about being born on the 15th of February is that in the likely event of Valentine’s Day being a complete washout, you only have to wait a day until you’re guaranteed to receive some good love, affection and pressies. It’s been quite a comfort to me over the years…

Consider then, how pleasant it was to have a Valentine’s Day without disappointment for a change. Really, it was lovely.

Knowing that I had dinner with Cute Canadian to look forward to had me in a good mood all day. Often Valentine’s is not fun in an office environment – inevitably someone gets a big bunch of flowers delivered to her desk, just to rub your nose in your own sorry singledom. But no-one got flowers this year that I saw. The girl who sits opposite me was having snappish arguments on her cellphone with her boyfriend. People were stressed and busy with work. Just another day at the office…

After work I went to a class at the gym and then proceeded to get ready for dinner with CC. I love the whole getting dressed for a date routine... You lean forward to preen and adorn yourself with makeup and jewellery, you’re imagining what might happen that night, and you start to feel all fluttery about it. It’s quite delicious…

Dressed to kill, I headed up to Ponsonby where I was meeting him at a Thai restaurant. It was a gorgeous night – dusk had dialled the hot sticky day into a clear inky sky, the air cool and sweet.

I entered Thai House and found him sitting at a table by the front, overlooking the street. The restaurant was quite cosy - it’s a small building to begin with, and also very popular. Everyone was seated quite close to each other (we had a very touchy-feely couple showing their love the next table over). I sat down and we began to talk and we were both smiley and I guess a little nervous. As our conversation paused, he reached down to his side and presented me with a big bunch of red roses, beautifully wrapped (as seen here). He said ‘well miss, these are for you’. (An aside: I love that he calls me ‘miss’ – I find this so cute and teacher-y!)

Anyway, I was so blown away by it. I mean, it was only our second date... And he’s a teacher (with a mortgage) and I know how criminal the price for roses on V-Day is. And just to put it into perspective, no-one has ever given me a beautiful bunch of roses (plural) for Valentine's Day – not even serious boyfriends past – live-in boyfriends, even! So for Cute Canadian to do this on our second date – well, it was quite the gesture and made me feel special. What a sweetheart.

The food was good and spicy and afterwards we headed outside to return to our cars. I was expecting the standard post-date long, drawn-out goodbye with some kind of attempt at a goodnight kiss, but he simply wished me a nice birthday for the following day and said goodnight as we went in different directions. Which is fine for my nerves – I can get a bit panicky as someone leans in to make their move – but did leave me kind of wondering ‘Hmmph. Should I be insulted that he didn't want to try and kiss me?’.

In any case, I wasn’t going to let it spoil my night. I went home and happily arranged my flowers on my bedside table. (So unaccustomed am I to receiving bouquets, I didn’t have a vase big enough – had to make do with a big tumbler instead.)

B-Day

The next day I got to sleep in, which was heavenly. I have a strict policy of not working on my birthday, so if it happens to fall on a week-day I’ll take the day off. This year, since the 15th was a Thursday, I decided to make a long weekend of it and take Friday off too. Sweet!

Mum came around at midday, bearing a gorgeous Phalaenopsis orchid and took me into town for lunch and a shopping spree - fun!

Text messages pinged in from friends throughout the day, which made me smile many times. Presents are nice. Special birthday meals are always good. But the thing I love to receive most are words: simple, honest, loving words that don’t tend to be said at other times of the year.

Amongst my favourites:

* From a Portuguese couple I met on a guided tour of St Petersburg:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND! When your visit to my country? Many kiss and a happy day, César and Marta.

I love these guys! We spent a mere three days together, over three years ago, but every Christmas, New Year and birthday without fail, I get a cute text from them wishing me kisses and happiness and a trip to Portugal soon.

* A message from a precious friend reminding me of the Sex & The City episode where Carrie turned 35. Feeling depressed at being single and without a soulmate - the girls decide that they’ll be each other’s soulmates, leaving them free to just enjoy men.

Would u like 2 be soulmates? My friend asked. And just enjoy company of Cute Canadian w no pressure 2 find soulmate? I told her I would like that very much…

* And one from Cute Canadian himself (on a borrowed cellphone, presumably, since he’d just told me the night before he was resolutely cellphone-free), hoping I was having a great day and telling me ‘I thought you looked stunning last night!’. Awwwww…

Plus an embarrassing confession for your entertainment…

All this talk and thought of Valentine’s Day had me thinking about the day in years past and how they had been spent. (Boringly, even in the years when I was in a relationship, V-Day often passed without consequence.)

Then I remembered one Valentine’s when I had made a grand sweeping gesture of romance towards my crush at the time. The year was 1989, I was barely in my teens and just starting high school. I was head over heels in sweet puppy love with Daniel, a boy from my class at Intermediate School the year before.

We’d been assigned to sit next to each other for one of the three terms of the year and it had been the best term of my life. Together with another boy, James, we had a few months seated beside each other in a row and we had a great time. We had lots of fun joking around, the three of us. I remember laughing hard and often. Going to school became the highlight of my day.

Daniel was gorgeous and lovely and very innocently, I fell for him, with no expectation of anything happening. It was a sweet crush, destined to be unrequited but forever cherished. It was a pure and beautiful thing. Unfortunately, our term side-by-side came to an end and our desks were reconfigured so that I sat beside other, less enthralling deskmates. And the following year we left for different high schools.

But I still thought of Daniel, and so in that first year of high school as Valentine’s Day came around, I decided to make my feelings known (anonymously, of course).

What form did my missive of love take? Why, I took a fresh sheet of paper, gently spritzed with that Chanel No 5 of kiwi teenage girls (Impulse), and typed out the lyrics to Especially for You (a Kylie Minogue/Jason Donovan duet which held great emotional significance for me - see below for the video).

This I sealed with a kiss and sent off to him by mail. Lord knows what a 13 year old boy made of that!

Dear brunette,

2007-02-15T00:02:00.000+13:00

Happy Valentine's Day

love always,
Auckland City Libraries
xx

Happy valentines day beautiful friend, may love and magic flow your way today x
Lush Fertile Tantric Astrological Not-boyfriend

from Cute Canadian

Blame it on Cupid

2007-02-13T23:14:00.000+13:00

So maybe the fact that I have a date tomorrow night (gloat) is rubbing off on me, or maybe it's my indefatigable romantic streak, but romance is all around and I'm loving it. (Translation: the surprising event of me actually having a date on Valentine's is protecting me from my typical annual bout of melancholic resentment at other people's happiness.)

Case 1: Chris Carter, the first openly gay member of parliament, got hitched to his lover of 33 years (made possible under New Zealand law by the civil union bill passed a couple of years ago).

I love that after so long together, they can finally acknowledge it with a formal ceremony and legal status (even if it is just a 'civil union' rather than a 'marriage').

Also, I love that I live in a country where a member of parliament can a) be gay and b) get married and just continue on with his business. Of course, some negative comments have been made (see here), but overall people are supportive (even God seems to approve according to the second item in this column).

New Zealand is pretty great like that. We even elected the world's first transsexual mayor, the wonderful Georgina Beyer - in a rural farming area of the South Island, no less - not exactly a demographic you would expect her to succeed in.

Case 2: The story of this guy who proposed to his girlfriend on national television in the States is really heart-warming. I can only wish for someone to love me so much they seek for the most expensive way to express it to the nation and propose. (You know, New Zealand airtime is a lot cheaper than in the US. It could happen...)

At a time when normally I just don't want to have other people's spectacular love (and my endless shortage of it) shoved down my throat, it feels good to be able to take pleasure in the fact that some people are succeeding in the world of love and romance.

Definitely maybe

2007-02-12T21:59:00.000+13:00

As it turns out, Cute Canadian is definitely a ‘maybe, possibly, perhaps’. And really, that’s great as far as I’m concerned – all I’m looking for on a first date is for it to not be an immediate ‘oh good god, no’.

We met up at SPQR, my favourite first date café, and spent a good couple of hours chatting. Here’s what I learnt about him:

Cute Canadian is even cuter in person
As could be expected, he has a cute Canadian accent to match
He’s responsible for teaching his special needs students a full curriculum – including sex education. (Apparently he has big life size dolls as a teaching aid. Kind of like cabbage patch dolls – only with all the bits. The mind boggles…)

He was fun to spend an evening with - incredibly pleasant, full of smiles and easy to talk to. Is that a national trait of Canadians? All the Canadians I’ve come across just seem so goddamn nice all the time...

He mentioned my birthday coming up this week (the day after Valentines) and I liked that – it’s a little thing, but when a guy actually reads your full profile and pays attention, it’s flattering.

At the end of the date we walked out of the café and he asked ‘so can I call you?’. Of course I said yes. Then he said ‘you know… It is Valentines this week… Can I take you out to dinner on Wednesday night?’. Again, of course I said yes - although he took me by surprise. Volunteering for Valentines as a second date? I always thought guys only did the Valentines thing under duress...

But, you know, score! I get a Valentines Day date after all! I’d already accepted that I was going to have an entirely non-romantic day (dentist appointment, yoga class, coffee with a friend) but what the hey - I’ll go with the flow. Perhaps that's the law of least effort already kicking in?

Guess who's got a date, eh?

2007-02-09T23:07:00.000+13:00

Yes, it seems I have my first date of the year ahead of me this weekend, a coffee date with a cute Canadian.

After the disenchantment of the week before, I decided to refresh my profile online and see if I could improve my Feng Shui or something. Maybe it worked – I’m getting messages again anyway.

Although – ay ay ay! Some of the messages I get… Probably doesn’t help that I’m a night owl so usually online quite late. Last night I got a message from a European guy who’s profile, under ‘looking for’, says: “i'm looking for non-smoker girl. we can start from chat and we will see how it will goes”, and also “i dislike lie and dislike people, especially girls, who at begin of conversation asking me about my salary.”

Might be just me but in my head I imagine him sounding like Borat! Anyway, he asked me in what suburb I live. I ignored that question at 11.37pm last night, but messaged him back today that I tend not to tell strange internet men where I live straight away…

But back to Cute Canadian. Here’s what I know so far:

He’s lived here for 10 years
He teaches teenagers with special needs
He likes country music

Yeah, so that last one isn’t a selling point for me, but the teaching kids with special needs thing? I find that both endearing and a bit daunting. Could he be any nobler? I can’t imagine a higher maintenance group of students so I’m picking he must be incredibly patient.

Anyway, I’m not going to get ahead of myself and plan the wedding just yet. The first date is always so telling – I find it’s either an immediate ‘nuh uh, no, not ever!’, or a ‘maybe, possibly, perhaps, yes’. So we’ll see which it is on Sunday.

Hot V-Day date for me?

2007-02-07T22:36:00.000+13:00

So, since it's my current destiny to be single right now, for reasons only known by the universe, I figure this might be a good option for me next Wednesday.

To celebrate Valentines Day, library users can have a blind date with a book from 7 to 14 February - simply by selecting an individually wrapped book to see if they meet their match.

Well, I do love books...

And also, I just clicked on Lush Fertile Tantric Astrological Not-boyfriend's profile online and it says he's no longer a member. Do you think I was a last ditch, must-get-value-out-of-my-monthly-subscription date opportunity? He never did call or email to set up dinner (and he doesn't need the membership to do that - he has my real details). Odd.

The law of least effort

2007-02-06T21:55:00.000+13:00

Note: long philosophical post follows. You have been warned…

I came across Deepak Chopra’s writing on the law of least effort recently and I spent some time thinking about how I could apply it to dating. It’s a pretty appealing concept, “do less and accomplish more”, especially to someone who’s a bit of a lazybones at heart (ie: me).

I kinda thought I’d been living the law of least effort prior to ‘operation romance’, which kicked off at the time I started this blog. You couldn’t have put much less effort into your love life than I did before I started all this! I simply gave it no thought and made no attempt to put myself into situations where I might meet someone nice. Apparently there’s a bit more to it than that though. Three steps, in fact:

1. Acceptance. As they say – what you resist, persists. So in my case that means accepting all the things that bug me so much. Like that it feels like everyone else in the world has met their special someone and I’m getting left behind while they're all off getting married and having babies. Or that it all seems so much easier for other people and that it sucks, because I’m such a catch and I’ve been trying so hard and yet still – nothing! That even when it looks like I might just catch a break, the bubble bursts before I get a chance to enjoy it. That generally it feels like I’m doomed to a life of perpetual single-ness…

Deepak says my chronic lack of a boyfriend is as it should be, because the universe is as it should be, and that by struggling with how things are, I’m struggling against the entire universe. Struggling against the whole universe? Yeah, that sounds about right. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, my current state of affairs – of course I’m struggling against it. It’s a cruel irony that the time it’s most difficult to have faith that things will work out is when you need it most. It’s so easy to be trusting and faithful when things are already going your way!

Anyway, onto the second component: Responsibility. This means being able to have a creative response to the situation as it is now and to treat every problem as an opportunity.

Gotta tell you, I’m struggling with this one. The implication is that there’s a lesson in everything, and okay, I can buy into that. I just don’t know what to do with it practically. Or maybe I know more than I think?

It had crossed my mind a little while ago that there are things in life that I put off because I’d rather not do them on my own. Like travel, for one thing. Another biggie is my pipe dream to turn creative hobbies into a paying profession. I like the idea – but not the reality of what would happen to my income during the transition. And so I kind of had the idea that maybe it was something I could do while I was home with the kids. (You know, ten years from now when my luck with men finally turns around!)

And then I had the thought - what if it never happens? If I knew that I would never find the right person, never settle down and have children, that I would only ever have myself to look after and answer to – what would I do differently? Which led me to consider, why not do that now?

I thought I was onto something and you know what, I’m working on it. That seems to me like a creative response, like finding an opportunity at the bottom of a problem.

The third step is ‘defenselessness’, which means releasing the need to convince others of your point of view.

I guess in my case it means not going all out to convince men of my opinion that I am an extraordinary creature worth their while. They either get it or they don’t. Which is similar to Dating Dummy’s idea of going for the people who go for you.

You just can’t convince someone who’s not into you to change their mind. And really that’s where I expect the law of least effort to come into play – that after all the frogs kissed and imperfect matches met, when you finally meet someone who’s right for you, you don’t have to try hard to impress. You already are. He already is. Effortlessly.

It’s a nice thought. I for one am ready to do a little less and receive a lot more.

In which Grey's Anatomy FINALLY returns to NZ television and order is once again restored

2007-02-01T23:51:00.000+13:00

Season 3: McDreamy vs McVet, accompanied by homemade pizza, bubbly and Cadbury's turkish delight.

All is well in my world tonight!

In which I feel jaded and irritated at the male population in general

2007-01-31T23:37:00.000+13:00

Oops – can you tell I’m back at work? No posts for a week and a half! Darn it, one of my resolutions was to post at least twice a week. Not even February and already I’m falling behind…

So, the latest haps with me? Colour me fed up. Fed up with the boys I like not liking me back. Fed up with every kind of ning-nong in the city messaging me through the site saying nothing more than ‘hi hows things?’ (even if they do put a smiley beside it). Fed up with not being able to cut a break on the romantic side of life ever.

Yup, I’m grumpy. And I’m seriously concerned at these bad vibes I’m sending out into the world! This is surely not going to attract any lovely swoon-worthy men to my door… I am trying to stay positive but it’s an effort right now.

In other news, last week out of the blue I got a message from a chap I went out with a couple of times back in October.

Hey beautiful, how have you been?
I'd be keen to catch up for dinner if you are,
I'm sure a lot has happened since we last met.
Have a magic day
Smiles,
Lush Fertile Tantric Astrological Not-boyfriend

Just to clarify, Lush Fertile Tantric Astrological Not-boyfriend is not his real name, it’s the silly nickname my friend Mindy and I developed for him as we discussed him through emails back the first time around.

Lush for no other reason than it’s a great word and at that point we were stretching his nickname to ridiculous lengths...

Fertile because he has a kid. Not something that features on my list of the ideal guy for me, but hey, not a deal-breaker.

Astrological because on our first date, drinks at a local pub, he launched into an analysis of the compatibility of our star signs (the short version: our star signs apparently share great sexual chemistry but struggle in other areas).

Are you getting the picture? This guy is very new-agey. Now, I didn't and still don't think this is a bad thing – I have definite new-agey tendencies myself (although I try to keep that mostly under wraps). But Tanty (as we’re now calling him for short) is off the chart. Exhibit A, some snippets from his profile:

I like to really get to know people and their truth, why they're here, what kind of difference they want to make and the magic moments that they experience...
I love to listen to people, how they feel, how they hurt, to laugh and share with them. I'm looking for a friend and partner who will share a journey of discovery, to grow and build something amazing together.

The Tantric bit was me taking a punt that his focus on spiritual enlightenment spills over into the physical side of things. Exhibit B, his thoughts on intimacy:

A sacred part of expression towards the people I love. Intimacy (Into Me See) is not about sex, but about exposing, communicating and releasing physical and emotional barriers to experiencing love.

The Not-boyfriend bit is just to differentiate him from Mindy’s significant other who has a very cute three word nickname of his own (Something Something Boyfriend – yeah, I’d like to tell you - but it’s not really my place).

I had been so curious to meet this guy! Kiwi men are pretty notorious for being staid and so not into showing their ‘sensitive sides’. Definitely some hangovers of the British stiff upper lip there... But Tanty? Wow – very into talking about feelings and emotional experiences. At the end of our first date he kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug, and said ‘Thanks for connecting with me tonight’.

He could so easily have come off as being incredibly cheesy, but the thing is – I could tell he was genuine and I admired his ability to be 100% open with his thoughts and feelings without any concern at how other people might react.

I was definitely intrigued enough to go on a second date – a nutritious, fibre-rich homecooked meal at his place. And actually it was lovely. It was such a treat to have a man go to the trouble of cooking for me – I really appreciated the thought and effort he put into it. Unsweetened yoghurt and blueberries mightn’t be my idea of dessert, but I could certainly appreciate its antioxidant value and lack of calories.

He had mood music playing in the background (not pan pipes, but not far off it, just quietly!), a big pillar candle was the only light in the room. Even the wine was organic. All this setting the scene led to him offering to give me a foot-rub after dinner, which I graciously allowed him to do. It felt very intimate and sure enough, as my feet lay in his lap he leaned in for the kiss. And??? And zero chemical reaction ensued. No butterflies. No tingles. No acute awareness of what colour underwear I was wearing that night. It was a nice enough kiss, but I felt nothing.

Such a pity, because I came to the conclusion that he'd be a wonderful man to be in a relationship with. We did speak after that night, and we did mention getting together for dinner again. But the days slipped by and he didn’t call me and I didn’t call him and I figured it was well enough to leave it at that. No hard feelings, just clearly not enough interest on either side.

And then last Tuesday I got this message from him. It was a surprise, and a fairly pleasant one. I replied that it would be fun to meet up for dinner again. He'd suggested tonight, but tonight was BODYJAM night (aka brunette babe shaking her boo-tay night) with this guy at my gym and it’s so much fun I refuse to miss it these days. So he said he’d get back to me on Monday when he found out what days he’d have his son this week. That was the Monday just gone and I haven’t heard back from him since (which hasn’t helped my fed-upness).

I didn’t really think this was going to be so much a date as a catch-up, so it’s not like I thought this was leading anywhere. But still, I’m so over it!

I’m trying to gently harbour hope, really I am. But I think I need an attitude adjustment.

Off to work we go

2007-01-22T23:46:00.000+13:00

Thanks to those of you who posted comments and sent messages in response to my last post. (Special mention to my lovely friend Angela who emailed me that I rock and that I'm a superfox (apparently that's terminology from 'He's just not that into you') and checked in on me by text on Saturday night to make sure I was OK. You rock! You're a superfox!)

I'm pleased to report that my pity party is officially over - I went to see Babel last night and all of a sudden I'm feeling a lot better about my life. (I imagine I'm the only person who came out of the theatre feeling uplifted...)

Yep, I've picked myself up, brushed myself off, deleted Finlay's number from my phone and I'm ready to move on. In fact, I was all set to 'take care of the quantity' and sign up for speed dating tomorrow night but the website wouldn't let me and on second thought I decided that a brief man-break wouldn't be a bad thing. Take some time to cleanse the palate between courses, so to speak.

I am depressed over something new today though - I had to go back to work! After a glorious month's holiday of doing pretty much stuff all, I actually had to get up at a reasonable hour and be productive for something approaching a full 8 hours. And my commentary on that is something along the lines of 'icky... me no like'.

Oh to be a woman of independent means...

Oh poo

2007-01-19T15:49:00.000+13:00

The last couple of days haven’t been much fun.

Things had been ticking along nicely... I was luxuriating in the promise of the new year and feeling happy and hopeful. I was having fun anticipating seeing Finlay again – things had been building so nicely I thought we just might be on the cusp of something sweet. But other plans got in the way of date #4 – shortly after New Year’s he headed out of town for a week’s holiday. He was due to come back in time to start work again this Monday.

Patience has never been a virtue I know much about. If I want something, I want it NOW. I never would have passed the marshmallow test as a four year old, and I wouldn’t bet money I’d pass it these days either. So come the start of this week I was itching for us to make plans. But, I didn’t want to be the one to initiate them. What with all the gushing online (which actually I don’t think he’s found, but you never know), and the fact that I’d been the one doing all the contacting recently, I thought it was time to back off and let him start the wheel turning again. Which is when my finely-tuned female premonitory system started kicking into overdrive...

On Monday I thought about how he hadn’t even sent a text from his holiday, which I thought he would have done.

On Tuesday, as I logged onto the site we met through I considered the fact that every time I logged in (once every few days, only to fob off the usual morons that seem to like messaging me), his profile always said he’d been online that day.

On Wednesday I realised that although we’d spoken and had the odd text since New Year’s, it had been me who’d instigated it each time.

Yesterday I just felt horrible, convinced he was going to do a Tim on me and I’d never hear from him again. And I was thoroughly confused too – not sure whether my instincts were right (because hello, who could see that one coming?) or whether I was automatically assuming the worst.

But really, I didn’t think my instinct was wrong.

So it was no surprise this morning when I got a message from him through the site telling me that he’d actually met someone and that he doesn’t want to pursue anything other than friendship.

Oh poo.

In some ways it’s good that I’d had a week of uncertainty and doubt, because I’d already girded my loins for a heavy dose of rejection. If that message had come, say, in the middle of his week out of town, it would have blindsided me.

It still stings though. Rejection is never fun. It’s like that line out of A Knight’s Tale, “you have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting”. I texted Mindy (When is our movie date this weekend? Finlay told me he’s met someone so it’ll be my only date this weekend, boo!) and I got this lovely reply back:

Finlay’s a dick. Any man who doesn’t instantly love you is a fool

Of course, Finlay’s not a dick. He’s still just as smart and funny and as much of a catch as he ever was. That he told me at all shows that he’s decent. But God bless her, I so needed that – I was right in the middle of a bit of a boo-hoo when it came through, and it made me laugh and cry at the same time.

The truth is, if I have one fear that runs deeper than any other (hell, I’m already a little raw – why not expose my deepest fears to boot and lay myself barer still?), it’s the fear that I’m not actually lovable.

I don’t really believe it, but also somehow I don’t not believe it either, if that makes sense. And so external affirmation of my lovableness is always deeply appreciated and has far more impact than any self-affirming thought I could chant to myself 100 times a day in the mirror. (And if ever there was a cry for you, my three faithful readers, to come out of the wings and leave lovely comments for me, sweet Jesus this is it…)

Last night, after too much energy spent on anticipating the worst, on feeling foolish for having felt hopeful, for having gushed to the world about how well things were going and now expecting to have to make a humiliating backtrack, I found comfort in Julia Cameron’s book The Sound of Paper.

Julia writes about the creative process (brilliantly, I might add). But tonight her words spoke to me about the romantic process.

She wrote: When I am in a period of drought, my chief enemy is despair. I am afraid to harbor hope, and yet it is the gentle harboring of hope that is the antidote to dryness of the spirit.

And so, despite this new knockback, I continue the gentle harbouring of hope. And I keep in mind another phrase of Julia’s, a sign that she posts in her writing area, but that I will remember when I return to the dating sites to trawl for men:

Dear God, I will take care of the quantity.

You take care of the quality.

2007-01-15T23:37:00.000+13:00

Is there anything so silent as a cellphone that refuses to ring or beep when you want it to?

The perfect lover for me

2007-01-13T22:39:00.000+13:00

So I was just mucking around online and saw this ad that said:

Who's your perfect lover?
Calculate exactly, down to the name, your pefect lover.
Try it now!

I clicked through and entered my name, my cellphone number and my starsign and in return it texted me the name of my supposed perfect match: Brayton. Hardly inspiring - I've never met anyone with this name. (New Zealanders are fairly traditional when it comes to naming their kids - 'Jack' was the most common boy's name for babies born this year).

If you do happen to know a Brayton though, send him my way wouldja?

Also, I would recommend NOT following such obviously frivolous ads. I've been barraged with texts since then and suspect they immediately signed me up to a $5 a week text horoscope scheme. Silly me...

And just to finish, since I'm obviously in a mucking around mood, I was looking at Google preferences and noticed that I could set the language to 'Elmer Fudd'. So I did and now I can 'seawch' for 'gwoups' in the 'diwectowy'. Too funny!

2006: I’ve come a long way, baby

2007-01-12T12:58:00.000+13:00

As I mentioned, I get quite philosophical in the new year, enjoying navel-gazing and contemplating the year gone. I hope you’ll indulge me while I reflect on the year just gone...

I actually feel great about 2006 – because I started off in a not-so-good place and I totally turned things around, just by putting myself out there and doing some new and different things.

At the start of the year, everything in my life felt totally blah. Friends would ask me what was new, how things were, and I could not muster up an ounce of enthusiasm. There was no one thing I could pinpoint as going really well for me. It’s not that things were so terrible – they were just nothing. Blah.

I’d written a list of things I wanted to do in 06 and speed dating and online dating were both on it as a way to kickstart my non-existent love life. It took an ex-boyfriend to actually get me to do something about it. He sent me a real rub-your-nose-in-it email (a full two weeks after I’d called him and left a happy birthday message) about how he was going snowboarding in Japan for a couple of weeks with the guys, and then later on he was spending a month travelling to Mexico and Las Vegas and Tahiti with his new girlfriend, and to have a good birthday myself and take care now. Subtext: My life is great, you suck, now fuck off and don’t talk to me ever again. (I’m quite good at reading into unspoken layers of meaning…)

I was so upset. One, because I thought we’d gotten to a point where we were friends and it hurt that he would shut me out. And two, because it reminded me that I could not be further away from what I wanted in life. He had it all going on – at the height of his career, earning great money, obviously happy in a relationship and about to go on some cool travels. Me: nothing exciting on the career front, the travel front, the man front or any other front you could care to name. I had a big cry and signed up for speed dating that minute!

So really I should thank him for inspiring me to act, ‘cause that started a whole course of events...

The highlights (and lowlights) of 2006:

Speed dating, online dating, blind dating. Any kind of dating, I did it. I’ve met more men this year than probably the whole last decade of my life. Seriously.

I was designated as ‘elite’ - special and rare, the crème de la crème of singledom - because at least 7 out of 10 men put a tick next to my name on their scorecards at the speed dating event I went to. Okay, it didn’t count for much in the end – the one guy I’d hoped to see again was one of the ones who said no to me (to me! Doesn’t he know I’m elite!). But it was a nice ego-boost nonetheless.

I discovered blogging! I spent a lot of time procrastinating at work this year and in the process I got to know people like Jason Kottke and Jason Mulgrew (very different chaps that they are) through their blogs. I got incredibly personal glimpses into lives a million miles removed from mine, like polyamorous, self-proclaimed pervert Madeline, or the almost-40-year-old virgin. And also I discovered approximately a zillion other women in my shoes – fabulous, but somehow still single. And so I jumped on the blogging bandwagon (with a few stops and starts, admittedly), and I love it. PS, note to self: would you just shut up about your goddamn libido already!

I have to mention though, like JT, I did bring sexy back this year. I don’t want to harp on (see note to self above), but it was an important shift for me. It introduced some badly needed fun and excitement into my life and ended the dry spell of a thousand years. So thanks Matt – damn decent of you!

Alas Matt, while one of the highlights of 2006, was also a definite lowlight too. He was good for fun and excitement, but not for love and commitment, which is really what I'm looking for. Of course, I know him well enough now to know that we’re a terrible, terrible match and that was never on the cards for us. But at the time I was tired and really wanting to tag out of the online dating game and have a boyfriend for a change. That Matt couldn’t have been less interested in being my boyfriend and all that implies was disappointing and hard to not take personally. Much wallowing in self-pity ensued, usually accompanied by a hot bath and The Fray (02:21 - I’m losing you and it’s effortless…). I still can’t listen to that CD now without wanting to reach for the razor blades! (By the way, I should mention that Matt and I have actually somehow ended up with a nice friendship out of all of this, so no regrets. All part of the learning process…)

In the wake of post-Matt disappointment I took up a new, super-cool hobby – knitting! At first I was all like “I’m so Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, shunning all men, taking a vow of celibacy and knitting a sweater instead”. And it was a good way to fill in the time while I took a much-needed break from being online and meeting unsuitable man after unsuitable man. But actually, I discovered knitting is fun. It’s meditative and relaxing. And you end up with something at the end of it! Knitting dates with my good friend Mindy were a blast – we’d drink wine, crack open a box of Swiss chocolates and gossip and knit while Cast-On (the pre-eminent knitting podcast, for those of you not in the know) played in the background. Good times...

I’m also proud to say that my tales of online dating inspired my knitting mentor so much she ended up on-line herself and is now happily in a relationship with a lovely guy. Yup, that’s all due to me… And I’m not the teensiest part bitter that she went online for all of five minutes and struck the jackpot, not at all…

And finally, what would a wrap-up of 2006 be without mention of my serendipitous, effortlessly ideal New Year's Eve with Finlay? Talk about ending on a high note. It's a fitting illustration of the progress I've made this year, that I could go from ringing in 2006 on my parent's couch in front of the TV to welcoming 2007 with a great guy at a fun party on Waiheke Island. Yay me!

All in all, I couldn’t be happier with the way 2006 went. Even though on the surface I look like I’m pretty much in the same place as at the start of the year, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m genuinely happy and content with things just as they are. Life is good, even if I am still single for the time being. I can’t wait to see what 2007 brings because it can only be bigger and better as far as I’m concerned.

Bring it on!

Close call!

2007-01-11T23:43:00.000+13:00

Okay, so this is an off-topic post but you can't imagine how grateful I am to be able to be writing this at all. I was installing new virus software on Tuesday (and feeling all virtuous for doing so, since my subscription had run out months ago) when all of a sudden my PC wouldn't boot up - argh! Something happened to the hard drive which made me feel all panicky since I'm an idiot and haven't backed a thing up in the three years I've had this PC.

Anyway, one phone call, two days and one quiet and efficient Asian technician later, here I am - with a new 80GB hard drive and a bill for $370. Sigh. Still, I'm not complaining - he recovered ALL my data (photos and dirty MSN chat histories alike) so it's well worth the money.

Real posts coming soon...

Swoon... and smooch!

2007-01-03T12:59:00.000+13:00

Having Christmas behind us finally cleared the way for Finlay and I to have our second date, almost a full two weeks since our first night out. I was looking forward to it – I’d actually been a little worried it mightn’t eventuate. Nearly two weeks is a long time in the online dating world, where it takes so little for connections to fizzle, no matter how promising they appear...

But that didn’t happen, thankfully. We kept in touch with the odd text and a couple of days after Christmas he asked me out to dinner. He suggested Dida’s, a cosy tapas bar that I’ve been wanting to go to for ages (I heard they do great churros – yum!). The next night I arrived there before him, feeling self-conscious sitting on a stool up at the bar as I waited, nervous and excited to see him again.

He arrived and we settled in at one of the low couches on the side and chatted over our glasses of wine. What I like about him is that he’s really easy to talk to – and interesting. Small talk definitely isn’t my strong suit so when conversation is effortless I love it. There was also the delight of finding out that we have similar outlooks on life in a lot of ways, it’s always nice to meet a kindred spirit.

We ordered a selection of yummy tapas – slices of spicy chorizo cooked up in red wine, baby peppers stuffed with cheese, prawns wrapped in pancetta and lamb cooked on rosemary skewers. It was gorgeous food and such a nice way to eat, just casually picking off plates and sharing dishes. And we did finish with the churros – piping hot with thick chocolate sauce to dunk them in. So good!

At the end of the night I was glowing with the pleasure of his company and the cosy atmosphere of Dida’s, not to mention the two glasses of wine I had. He walked me to my car and we said goodnight with a short, sweet kiss on the lips. I smiled as I drove home and marvelled at how much fun I had. So much so that I had to pull over and text him straight away: Thank you for a lovely night, you’re such great company x

I also texted a couple of girlfriends as soon as I got home, eager to share the good news. The word ‘swoon’ seemed to come up a lot!

Date #2 with Finlay was a raging success. He’s just as great as I thought he was. Swoon…

Just got home from date #2 with Finlay and it was just lovely. He really is great, swoon…

One wrote back and said: That’s great! You deserve a night out with someone wonderful. And I thought, she’s right, dammit. I do deserve that! It’s funny how you get accustomed to things not going your way, to not getting what you want. It really should be the other way around. How about expecting things to work out beautifully for a change? To unfold effortlessly and in ways even better than you could ever have imagined? Isn’t that a possibility too?

I’m emphatic that surely it is and I would rather live like that. I’ve always believed in the power of positive thinking – self-fulfilling prophecies and all that. So I allowed myself to think about what I would like to happen next with Finlay, in a perfect world, and it was this: wouldn’t it be great to spend New Year’s Eve together and have someone lovely to kiss at midnight for a change?

New Year’s Eve and me have a troubled relationship. On the one hand, New Year is actually one of my favourite times of all. I get all introspective and philosophical on the year just gone, and super inspired and excited and hopeful about what’s to come…

On the other hand, I hate the pressure of New Year’s Eve itself. The pressure to be doing something fabulous, somewhere fabulous with a bunch of fabulous people grates on me. I’m in my thirties, man. My friends and I don’t party anymore. Gone are the days when I had a group of people I could rely on to come into town with me and queue up at the best nightspots to dance until the early hours. All of my friends are coupled up and either out of town or holed up at home with the kiddies. You know?

So my last couple of New Year’s have been exceedingly lame. Last year I saw it in sitting on my parent’s couch watching TV. Sad, sad, sad. And it was looking like more of the same this year, unless…

It seemed like a stretch to wangle a New Year’s with Finlay, on what would essentially be our third date. I knew he was spending it on Waiheke Island with friends. I didn’t really want to invite myself along, that’s a bit pushy for my liking. But I was actually going over to the island on New Year’s Day – my uncle had invited a big group of people over for lunch. Maybe it wouldn’t be so much of a stretch to arrive the night before? Finlay had kind of suggested it when New Year’s came up in conversation…

I weighed up my options and well, it was pretty clear. I could:

Spend it alone. Not an option – next!
Spend it with my parents – again. I love ‘em to death, but it still wasn’t that appealing. Leaving me with the last possibility…
Be proactive, go to the island and see what happens. To be honest the worst case scenario here was still miles ahead of the alternatives. And the best case scenario, well, it could be pretty great.

So I called my uncle and asked if I could crash on his couch for the night. And I texted Finlay and told him it looked like I might be on the island for New Year’s after all, and could I drop by and say hello? I got positive answers from both of them – so I was all set!

And it was so worth doing. I spent the early part of the evening at my uncle’s, having a glass of wine and watching Lord Of The Rings reruns on TV (très sedate!).

Then later I caught a taxi up to the house Finlay was staying at in Surfdale, bottle of bubbly in hand. He met me at the bottom of the long driveway with a flashlight and we walked up to the house together. The party was in full swing by that stage, the room was dark, the music was loud, people were dancing and there were all sorts of concoctions being cooked up with rum and fruit and Jägermeister and red bull and god knows what else! Everyone gave me a very warm and friendly and tipsy welcome and I was so pleased to be there.

We had a great ol’ night. A bit of talking, a bit of drinking, a bit of dancing and of course, the much anticipated countdown to midnight... It was a lovely clear night and the house had brilliant views over the water towards the mainland. We all went outside and after some arguing over who had the correct time, we started counting down and at the end of it, I got just what I’d wanted – my someone lovely to kiss at midnight. Just goes to show that being proactive pays off!

It was a memorable night, and bodes extremely well for 2007, I feel. Start as you mean to continue! I got this text from a friend in Finland:

Always remember for 2007: Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile…Happy new year!

Sounds like a good creed to live by to me.

Happy New Year, everyone!

A kiwi Christmas

2007-01-02T17:21:00.000+13:00

Can you believe it’s 2007! Where did the year go... I have lots to tell you but I'll start with Christmas.

Christmas this year was a very laid-back, relaxed day over on Waiheke Island at my uncle’s beach house with family. Normally we have it at my parent’s place but they’re currently homeless (deliberately - their new house is being built at the moment), so this was a nice alternative. We caught the ferry over at one and spent the rest of the day eating, basically. Oh, and giving presents! Highlight of the day of course…

My favourite presents:

A webcam, which I’d asked for (now I can video chat with friends overseas)
Vouchers towards an iPod from my bro
Cool chunky martini glasses, all in different colours, also from my bro (he did good this year!)
A set of Britney Spears Curious perfume

So that last one’s a little embarrassing – you normally choose a perfume based on some kind of attribute you’d like to have or be, ‘True Love’ or ‘Beautiful’ or whatever. There’s really nothing about Britney that I’d like to emulate, but I do like the smell. And also it comes in this cool retro bottle with a squeezy thing to spray it on. So I swallowed my pride and asked for it for Christmas, and really it’s probably my favourite of all my presents, even if it is a guilty pleasure.

I was really excited about some of the presents I gave this year too – I decided that I would rather give people ‘experiences’ rather than plain ‘stuff’ so this is what I came up with:

For my uncle, his boyfriend and my aunt – tickets to Varekai when it comes to town in January

For my father, a voucher for a private dance lesson in either Argentine tango or salsa. I was particularly delighted when I came up with this. He’s notoriously difficult to buy for and he doesn’t really want or need anything either. He’s starting to develop a serious pot-belly in his old age and really needs to drink a little less and move a little more. But it has to be something fun for him, otherwise he’ll never stick at it. And dancing just might be it – him and mum are quite the twinkle-toes at parties and family gatherings and often trot about the room when the music starts to play. And mum had already said that she’d love for them to do some tango together. So there you go – the perfect present. He and mum were both pretty stoked about that.

For my mum I’m giving the experience of having lovely nails – a voucher for someone to come round and do a full set of acrylics for her. She’s always coveted beautiful nails, but hers are pretty weak, plus she’s a gardener so they get a good battering. I think she’ll enjoy having immaculate nails for a change.

By the time it came to my brother and his girlfriend, I was a little out of inspiration, so to them I gave the experience of owning a Jamie Oliver flavour shaker. It still fits – they’re both foodies and love spicy meals, and this little nifty thing looks like a lot of fun. Sort of a mortar and pestle meets cocktail shaker for whipping up spice pastes and marinades and whatnot.

I also enjoy getting a bit domestic when it comes to Christmas and start whipping up sweet treats in the kitchen. A couple of years ago I tried making chocolate dipped citrus peels, inspired by these ones, and that's become a tradition now. So I gave everyone a bag of those too, plus some Russian fudge I'd made.

And now, my Christmas tree is fading (and shedding), the last of my Christmas lillies has wilted and it's time to take down the wreath on the door. My neighbour at the end of the street who goes crazy with lights all over their house and garden has accepted the end of the season and taken them all down. Another Christmas come and gone...

Hope you all had a good one.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T11:07:00.000+13:00

Merry Christmas everyone. May you find all your heart's desires beautifully wrapped under the Christmas tree with your name on the label...

bb
xx

That's the spirit!

2006-12-23T21:12:00.000+13:00

Overheard at my local shopping centre: "I can so see myself slapping someone today..."

Christmas shopping two days out = bad idea!

Love is...

2006-12-22T22:03:00.000+13:00

Do you remember those cutesy-pie ‘Love is…’ cartoons from the 70s with the little naked couple? I had a book full of them as a kid.

I’ve been thinking a bit about love since we’re coming up to Christmas day when love is supposed to be wrapped up in the perfect package under the Christmas tree. And I was reflecting on the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend who really wowed me with a particular Christmas gift, and that the times in my life I’ve felt most loved have had nothing to do with commercial holidays and enforced gift giving or romance.

It’s not that presents aren’t important, because it's a thrill to receive a well thought-out gift that delights me. I have a very particular aesthetic and when someone gets it, it makes me feel like they really know me. (I think receiving gifts is definitely one of my love languages.)

But it’s the simple moments, the everyday gestures small and large, that linger in your memory long beyond the birthday and Christmas presents. That’s what’s really important.

Love is…

Creating a guitar-shaped Christmas shortbread for your band-playing boyfriend (Katrina!)

Taking your new husband’s surname, even when that surname is Butt. (A girl who went to my high school married a Butt and did just this.)

Delighting in the fact that you’re cuddled in bed with a man you adore and you couldn’t be more content - even though you’ve just woken up in the middle of the night to discover him mysteriously making the same loud snuffling noise as the pig you were just dreaming about.

Moving back home after breaking up with your live-in boyfriend of four years and being welcomed at the door with a big hug and a ‘rough day, huh?’ from Dad, and an ‘I can’t imagine how you must be feeling’ note from Mum.

Your boyfriend surprising you by bringing a kitten home when he’s never wanted to have one, because he knows that you do.

Arriving home to a bitter NZ winter after four months in glorious Southern California to discover your mother has filled your fridge with your favourite treats, left you fluffy ugg boot slippers (pink and embroidered with flowers) to ward off cold feet, put flowers all through the house and written you a note to welcome you home and promise you that the winter won’t be so bad.

Driving to your girlfriend’s flat in the early hours of the morning to check her car’s there and that she got home safely (even though you abandoned her in a bit of a huff earlier in the night).

Being able to rely on your father to plant trees and fix broken things and drill holes and assemble cabinets and hammer nails and move heavy furniture as and when required.

Having a close network of great girlfriends who've grown up with you and shared in every important part of your life: awkward teenage phases and first kisses, early bumbling relationships and inappropriate boyfriends, milestones like moving in with someone, and weddings, and first homes, and babies, and career changes, and country changes, and horrific break-ups, and failures and successes, swings and roundabouts. And knowing there’s still so much more to go through together.

I'd love to hear what's on your list.

Oh, and PS:

2006-12-21T00:25:00.000+13:00

Finlay texted me today. It was so good to hear from him, it definitely put a smile on my face for the afternoon.

Thank you, Secret Santa!

2006-12-21T00:01:00.000+13:00

We had our Christmas party last night. The festivities kicked off at 6pm at the office with handing out of the $10 Secret Santa presents we bought for each other.

I love Secret Santa and our office makes it a lot of fun. We had Gregory, this great outgoing gay guy who used to work for us, come by to play Santa. Actually, he showed up as Santa's Chief Elf in head to toe green (stockings, knickerbockers, pointy slippers - the works!). He handed out presents and as people received them he set some rules: once you'd opened your present he'd ask you "and what did Santa get you this year?", whereupon you'd show & tell and then the rest of the room would chant "Thank you, Secret Santa!". Sounds a bit naff but Christmas spirit and Veuve Cliquot were both flowing freely so everyone really got into it.

My turn came and of course I was dying to see what I'd gotten. Our office manager, the one person who knows all the secret santas since she had to make sure everyone got their presents under the tree on time, had told me that whoever had pulled my name out of the hat had sworn her to secrecy to never reveal their identity to me - so I figured I was getting something controversial.

I'd seen my present under the tree earlier in the day and had given it a good prod and a rattle but had no idea what it was - it was pretty small, just two inches square.

So I'm perched on Gregory's knee, ripping into my little package and I pull out one of these:

I burst out laughing and Chief Elf asks me "So what did Santa give you this year, brunette?".

"Why, Santa gave me a stimulation ring for him and her."

"Thank you, Secret Santa!"

Holiday reading

2006-12-18T22:01:00.000+13:00

I went to the library yesterday to stock up on some reading over Christmas, since I'm going to have some time to fill - as of this Friday I have an entire MONTH off work! I am so excited...

Anyway, I picked out a whole bunch of books on creativity and writing (I intend to be prolific during my break), and also some self-help books, because I do love me some self-help (and Don Miguel Ruiz's books have such lovely cover art) but decided I needed some fiction to round out my selection.

I have a hard time picking out fiction - there's so much of it and who knows if any of it's any good. So I chose a few random paperbacks (I only had room for light and compact books - the Julia Cameron books I got were all hardbacks and big and heavy). Then I noticed the 'recently returned' shelf and this one book caught my eye: Fever by Christine Feehan. Specifically, the quote on the cover that called her "the reigning queen of paranormal romance".

I didn't even know there was a 'paranormal romance' genre, let alone one with a reigning monarchy. That all sounded like a bit of fun so I grabbed it. And I got a good chuckle as I read the back of it during red traffic lights on the drive home:

Sensual half-human, half-leopard creatures stalk the
lush rainforests of Borneo...

And they mate for life.

Excellent. Needless to say it was the first book I dived into, I'm already halfway through and there have been many extended descriptions of feline-like loving going on in the jungle. Grrr baby, very grrr.

Oh good lord, what have I gone and done?

2006-12-17T23:41:00.000+13:00

Last night I had a great date with a great guy – let’s call him Finlay, in honour of his Scottish heritage – and get this: there’s every chance in the world that he’s going to read this.

Before I get to that, let me tell you a bit about him. He’s smart and funny, good looking and articulate and a snappy dresser. He has a creative job as a graphic designer, which I find really appealing, and he even tells me he can cook. In short, he’s just the kind of guy you hope to meet but rarely find all in one package. And he was terrific company. We met at Honey Bar in town, ensconced ourselves in a big comfy couch in the corner and talked for hours.

I liked his profile when I read it and even went so far as to message him first – because of the cooking thing, for one (how sexy is a man who cooks!), and also because next to the ‘watching sports’ question he said he rarely does – this is a true bonus in a kiwi male, who often want to watch every game on TV. (I don’t mind the odd game, but the rugby season can be so long and tedious.)

Now you might think I’m giving him a rave review because of the chance he might read this, but the cause and effect actually runs in the other direction – it’s only because I liked him that I felt the desire to confess to the fact that I blog about my love life. I never would have told him about it, much less given him the name of it when he asked, if he was a dud. But he mentioned his own blog in conversation and I didn’t want to hide mine so I told him about it. And when he asked me the name of it, I even gave it to him. And he’s a smart cookie so my guess is that he’ll find his way here if he wants to.

And yes, that does strike a little terror into my heart, if I’m going to be honest. Especially when I found his own blog this morning and discovered it to be utterly innocuous and not incriminating in the slightest (in direct contrast to mine).

This could prove to be the most ill-advised dating move I’ve yet to make because let’s face it – in reading this he’s going to be privy to a lot more than he otherwise would. Is there a chance it could be a stroke of genius? A bold, risky move that pays off? I hope so. I’ve found the blogging process to be quite confessional – I’ve only ever wanted to be completely honest – and in the safety of anonymity I started sharing things that I would never say out loud to the majority of people. It would actually be really great to meet someone who could read my innermost thoughts and be okay with them.

Ah well, I look forward to seeing how this all unfolds. I’ll keep you posted.

Things I would rather not be asked immediately following a $105 haircut

2006-12-12T22:06:00.000+13:00

"What did you do to your hair?!"

Make love not war

2006-12-10T19:17:00.000+13:00

Yes, I know... I've been a very bad blogger - and not for a lack of stories to tell either, more a lack of free time and the necessary discipline.

So apologies for that - I'll see what I can do to bring you up to speed with recent events in the next week or two.

But for now, I want you to mark this date in your diaries and do your bit for world peace: Friday 22 December. This kindly organisation aims to create world peace by changing the world's energy field through a synchronised global orgasm. And really, world peace has never been so much fun.

At worst, it's a pleasant way to pass some time on a Friday. At best, you could actually do something good for mankind. Me, I think there might just be something in it. There was an experiment done in Washington DC where 4000 people descended on the city with the sole intention of meditating daily for the good of the city. During the experimental period of eight weeks, violent crime decreased by 23%.

So come on (literally), grab a friend (or battery operated device) and join in...

Spring!

2006-09-17T23:08:00.000+12:00

The sun is shining and all is right in the world...

Best of

2006-09-12T21:29:00.000+12:00

I didn’t mention it in my last post, but those stats represent 5 months of online dating. It’s fun to look back on it and see just how far I’ve come (and how many freaking emails I got!).

Some of the emails were really quite funny, so here for your entertainment is a compilation of the most amusing communications from potential suitors, with some of my real and imagined responses. (Note: all names changed. Terrible spelling and punctuation as per original emails received though.)

From Nigel:
Hello from Nigel, I am honest, straight and a gentleman. I am looking to carefully build a relationship with soulmate, wife, partners for life as ultimate result. I feel it is important that each others goals, desires and needs are understood and compatiable, essential for a long term relationship. To be able to express ones true feelings and emotions without fear of ridicule or resentment is paramount to building trust and mutual respect .

To Nigel, a red-headed and bearded smoker:
Hi Nigel,

thanks for your email, you sound like a really nice guy but I'm going to cut this short and say I can't handle a regular smoker.

Sorry for being picky, I'm sure it's my loss.

take care,
bb

From Nigel:
Hi from Nigel, would you like to talk sometime, my direct email is xxx@xxx.co.nz

From Nigel again:
Hello from Nigel, I am quiet faithfull hardworking and looking for lifetime partner/soulmate to share life with. Have seperated after 10yrs marriage and looking to build relationship slowly and carefully this time as rushed previously with obvious result. Not a dancer, don't go to the gym but love the outdoors and boating/fishing in particular and will shortly begin building boat to replace the one I sold to buy house. Quality time and relaxation are important and there is nothing better than a secluded bay on a nice sunny day. I am an outside smoker and considering quitting, just need a little motovation.

Would love to hear from you, maybe we could meet some time for dinner or coffee and a walk along the beach somewhere.

Number of strikes against Nigel: 7 (the name, the ginger, the beard, the filthy habit, the job-application type letter, the lack of spell-check, punctuation and white space, the inability to get the message...)

To Nigel:
Thanks for writing again and the offer of meeting up, but I don't think it's going to happen.

From Kamal in India:
hello

This is KAMAL--- i live in NEWDELHI - CAN WE BECOME FRIENDS AND SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES I AM SURE WE WILL FIND EACH OTHER INTERESTING AND LIKE EACH OTHER - i love trekking, photography, driving my car for long distances, movies, music ,write me back soon

YOU CAN CONTACT ME FOR FREE

To Kamal:
Thanks but your indiscriminate use of capital letters BUGS ME.

From Robbie (Germany):
Hi sunshine.I saw your photo ,you look like very beautiful.I love your friendly smile and your eyes.I think that you are a happy and lucky young girl.I want to get to know you.

I hope you write me back.because I think it is very nice to have a friend on the other side of the world.We can send messages,we can chat we can phone or we can visit each other. I see you ,take care Robbie

From Arild, who would like to speak English but who seriously does not (without a word of a lie, this is exactly what he sent to me):

from one Norwegian viking

My plan is to mov away from nort and to soat, and way not New Seland if ai have one naze girl to met dhear.

My Englech spelling is not so wel ai no put you can lern me to be better

My selve is one handy man ai beliw can trea work rep the car weld fixs ships engen etc-etc .

Me hobby is may live likke to fiche bay cykling monten-tripps skiing som yers sins last.

Ai only wonte to meat wone girl to spend the rest off may live thugether wit and ai hait raini-wether.

Has may one small farm at vest-coct off Niorway cloced to the sea . May jobb is 1-engener wold-wilde.

Best from Youre Arild

To the viking:
Hi Arild

I didn't understand a word of your email, but just wanted to say hello from New Zealand.

From 'Usefultimer' in Hong Kong (attached):
hi

thanks for spending your time reading my profile.would be glad if u shared my idea of being friends or a word in reply will be greatly appreciated.

take care and have a nice day

bye

To 'Usefultimer':
Hi there,

Thanks but I don't share your idea of being friends, I have no interest in a pen pal.

Just being honest here, nothing personal.

take care

'argust' writes (in response to my profile that says I love it when people cook for me):
hello pretty brunette,,,, I could be tempted to cook for you.... spaghetti bolognaise ???? red wine ...???

hey do you like motorbikes..... could take for a ride with a complimenatry coffee along the way... have a chat and see what happens ???

cheers

To argust (54):
Hi there,

thanks for your email and the nice offer, very appealing. However as youthful looking as you are, I'm really hoping to meet someone closer to my own age. Hope you understand.

All the best

bb

'argust' writes:
Oh.... sigh !!!! yes I do understand, and thankyou for the compliment as to my youthfulness..... weeeeeell if it's not too much bother... do keep the offer in mind.... just in case you're stuck for something to do..... I'd be honoured to hear from you.....

'soulconnect' in India writes:
wow, you look so sensual!

luv
Jay

Rick writes:
I will just say: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, OUTSIDE AND INSIDE AS WELL

brunettebabe writes:
well thank you for your nice words!

Lars (Sweden) writes:
Hi,

I hope that you are well? I think that we may have a lot of things in common if we tried to learn about each other. I would like to get to know you if you will let me. I love other cultures and history. I am very tight with my family (we all live in the same town), especially my twin-brother and older sister, my dearly beloved mother is unfortunately dead and my father is a bit strange so I do not have so much contact with him, but it is his choice. He is a retired policeman and I think that his job changed him a bit.

To Lars:
Ummm, that was more than I ever wanted to know about your family but thanks for sharing…

Darryl writes:
Hi My name is Darryl I am interested in you, I dont quite know how to put it in words but I think we could become friends, I know that we are not a good match because i dont fit your profile. However I do think it could be worthwhile for us to meet. If you are interested my email address is xxx@msn.com

To Darryl (whose profile says he is looking for “a lady who enjoys life and is not motivated by a over whelming [sic] need to get married as a pretext to a relationship”):

Hi Darryl,

thanks for your email but I think you're right when you say we're not a good match - you see, I want to get married to the first man I meet (kidding).

But seriously, I'm not here for casual/friendship so I'll leave it at that.

take care
bb

'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I think you are very interesting person and very sexy look as well.

I might not be the person you are looking for, but who knows!?.

brunettebabe writes:
Hi there,

Just wanted to say thanks for your nice words. Nice to hear from you, but my subscription is about to expire and I'm going to take a break from being online.

cheers
bb

'samingo' writes:
Hi,

I understand that you are not really satisfied in this way of meeting the (right people). I realized from the start that you are a special woman, and it is hard for you to find a suitable man.

Wish you good luck for the future, and if you wish to contact me then you are welcome!

'loveyourprince' from India writes:
Hello my dear,

In response to your profile I hereby furnish my profile as under regarding friendship or marriage :

MYSELF

NAME : RAJINDER SINGH

AGE : 40+

HEIGHT : 1.87 M (6’–2")

EDUCATIONAL QUALIFICATIONS :

a) MASTER OF COMPUTER APPLICATIONS( M.C.A.)
BACHELOR OF TECHNOLOGY (B.TECH.)
(COMPUTER SCIENCE & ENGINEERING ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

b) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A.)
( FINANCE MANAGEMENT ) ( N. DELHI ).

Passed in First Division.

c) MASTER OF BUSINESS ADNINISTRATION( M.B.A)
( MARKERTING MANAGEMENT) (California,U.S.A.)

Passed in First Division.

d) MASTER OF SCIENCE ( PUNJAB)
Passed in High Second Division.

SERVICE : At present working in a permanent capacity as Senior Lecturer in a Govt. Institute

-getting Rs. 24,000/- per month nearly.

Trying to Join shortly as a MANAGER in a reputed Multinational Company-with High Five Figure Salary.

I WILL BE GETTING CANADA PERMANENT IMMIGRATION VERY SOON.

ASSETS: Having my own Flat (Drawing Dining, 3 bedrooms), in a very beautiful city CHANDIGARH, (INDIA) .

PERSONALITY : Handsome, fair, clean shaven, conspicuous and an athletic look.

If suits then please reply me with a recent snap so as to proceed further.

With best wishes,

Sincerely yours,
RAJINDER SINGH

To 'loveyourprince':
Thanks for your resume, but we’re not hiring at the moment.

'otunba' writes:
Hello babe,

my name is Johnsmith living in kuala lumpur babe i love ur profile and im highly interested in u let Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness. My dear, you are a great gardener. I admire you:)

how i wish if i can spend d rest of my eternity life with u also

We can never say how friendship would go and how long we'd stay together. All I know is that even if we'd be miles apart you would remain as the sweetest piece of puzzle completing my life.

i look forward to hear from u soon

To 'otunba':
I think I know what plant you’ve been reaping lately.

Online dating by numbers:

2006-09-09T19:27:00.000+12:00

Men who approached me (excluding virtual kisses): 78
Virtual kisses received: 60

Men I initiated contact with: 3
Men who responded: 0 (boo!)

Countries men have contacted me from (excluding New Zealand): 20

Australia, Cayman Islands, Colombia, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Finland, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Norway, Peru, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, UK

Men who admitted to being ‘attached’ who contacted me: 3 (Well, at least they were honest)

Oldest man to contact me: 60 years old (Nice try, grandpa)

Men I have met in person: 10
Men who made it to a second date: 4

Men I kissed: 2
Men I kissed who subsequently shunned me without explanation: 1

Notches on my bedpost: 1

Songs to feel blue to

2006-09-07T20:10:00.000+12:00

Lyrics of songs that I will avoid listening to for the foreseeable future:

Alllll byyy myyy-self… Don’t wanna be - all by myself, anymore...
As seen being belted out by a drunken Bridget Jones. Coincidentally – and unfortunately – it’s also apparently my ‘birth song’, number 1 on the charts at the time I was born. I hope that’s not a bad omen.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why
From gorgeous and slightly melancholy Denverites The Fray

Who’s gonna love you when your looks are gone?
'Outrageous’ from Paul Simon’s new CD – which you can listen to here

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know…
From the Magnolia soundtrack by Aimee Mann.

Instead, I think I’ll take comfort in the lyrics of Lilly Allen, a slightly bitter but oh so funny girl who sings this lovely little number with her gorgeous cockney accent:

I never wanted things to end up this way
You’ve only got yourself to blame
I’m gonna tell the world you’re rubbish in bed now
And that you’re small in the game

You really should listen to it if you get the chance, it’s very catchy…

Unraveling

2006-09-03T17:00:00.000+12:00

So as I was saying, I turned to insecure girly mush and truthfully – it felt HORRIBLE to be suspended in uncertainty and vulnerable like that. Really not fun at all.

But thinking back, I remember going through the same thing with my last boyfriend too, when things progressed from ‘yeah, I kinda like him but, you know, whatever’ to ‘if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him I’m going to be CRUSHED’. I slipped into that dreamy glow and began to really, REALLY like him. (Lots of CAPS in this post so you know my feelings are really INTENSE…)

The turning point with that guy was after we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months and I invited him to come to a family dinner. I really wanted my family to meet him, and him to meet them, but I worried he wouldn’t want to. I nervously extended the invitation – at short notice I might add – and he responded beautifully. He’d already made plans for that night but said that he’d love to meet my family and that he’d reschedule his other plans. Swoon. And at that point I relaxed totally, because it was clear that yes, he liked me too.

So here I was, out on a limb, waiting for something similar from Matt. Waiting for a sign that this was more than just a fling. That I’m special, that he doesn’t deliver purity tests to online maidens all over the city in order to hustle them into bed. That he actually likes me as a person and wants to get to know me. But it never came. I was always more interested in spending time with him than he was with me. And at what should have been the honeymoon phase of a relationship, I knew it was a BAD sign.

Sure, there were things going on for him that made it reasonably difficult for him to spend time with me – exams he needed to study hard for, then he worked every day back-to-back during his holidays to earn some much needed cash – but I knew that if he liked me enough, none of that would have mattered and he would have made some extra time for me. The bottom line, I realized - he’s just not that into me.

And what a bitter blow that was. I really didn’t expect it. I’d kind of mapped out this path of how things would go once I started the online dating thing, and in my mind it went like this:

Guy #1 – dud, try again.
Guy #2 – dud, try again.
Guy #3 – dud, try again.
Guy #4 – dud, try again.

Ad nauseum, until finally:
Guy #x – JACKPOT! Success, they lived happily ever after, The End…

It truly never crossed my mind that I would meet a man who triggered all the right buttons in me (chemistry, personality, etc) and that he wouldn’t like me as much as I liked him, and that I would have to go back to meeting dud guys again.

Naïve, sure. But a crushing disappointment nonetheless. Just the thought of meeting more mediocre guys drained every ounce of energy out of my body and made me feel very, very jaded. Blah.

At this stage, though, it’s all in my head. I’m 99.9% sure about what’s going on, but I’m not asking Matt if I’m right and he’s certainly not prompting any talks about feelings either.

The reasons I’m not asking:
1) I don’t want to be the girl who asks ‘where is this going?’, I just don’t.

2) I don’t want to hear the answer I think is coming because then I’d probably be obliged to stop sleeping with him out of self-respect and I don't want to do that either.

So we plod along like this for quite a while. Me reading layers upon layers of meaning into his every text message, instant message and every word that comes out of his mouth, agonizing over what he’s thinking. Him mostly keeping me at arm’s length with excuses of busyness.

Several times I decide enough! It’s over, that’s it. And I would delete his number from my phone and block him on IM and vow never to initiate contact again and cry some lonely tears. And then I’d either crumble in the light of day and put him back in my phone and unblock him on IM and talk to him again, or he’d contact me and I’d act normal, as though I hadn’t just broken up with him in my head.

And on it went until the weekend I decided that it was time to resolve things and duly noted it on my to-do list. Sunday morning and I’m online, checking email, browsing the net when the little box pops up in the corner and tells me Matt’s just signed in. My heart beats a little faster, the way it always does. He IMs me and we have a light conversation about our weekends.

He casually mentions that he’s been spending ridiculous amounts of money on petrol lately and that he’s decided to ‘stay housebound’ for a while. I read that as code for “I’m not planning on visiting you for a while”. And since I’ve only been to his place once, a student flat he shares with about 5 others, and I don’t really get the feeling that he likes having me there, I figure that me visiting him isn’t on the agenda either. So I say “sounds like we won’t be seeing each other any time soon”, to which he replies “well, we'll just take things as they come, yeah”. Translation: no, we won’t.

My heart sinks. This is my cue, time to start the conversation I don’t want to have. I struggle to find the words.

BB to Matt: I get that you've got a lot going on.
BB to Matt: But I guess at heart I'm a kinda high maintenance girl. Need a certain level of attention.
Matt to BB: I don't think that makes you high maintenance... I think that's normal

I try to figure out what to say next but I can’t get it out, even on IM. Minutes pass and then Matt changes the subject. Some lighthearted chitchat follows and we sign off.

I go away and over breakfast and housework I think about what I couldn’t say, and about what Matt also wasn’t saying. And I realize that it’s time something was said. So I text him:

I should move on & find
myself another fella,
right? I think you’re too
nice to come out & say it
yourself. But I’d rather
know than wait in vain.

I cringe as I hit the send button. Oops. Oh well, there goes nothing. And I wait for a reply. I don’t get one straight away. I wonder if he’s thinking about how to reply. Part of me hopes that he’s jumped in his car to drive over so we can talk things through. And I get the fright of my life when about half an hour later I hear a car pull up and a knock on the door – but no, it’s Mum come over to say hello.

She leaves after a few minutes and I head out to do the rest of my weekend errands. I figure I’ll get a response at some point. And it doesn’t really matter what it is. Even just sending it off I feel relieved.

And eventually, as I’m unpacking my groceries, the answer does come back:

I didn’t notice ur
message until now. I’m
sorry if u thought I was
ignoring it. Hey, u won’t
shun me if we keep it
platonic, will u?

I shed a little tear at the confirmation of what I knew all along, that he doesn’t like me enough to do any better than he did. I feel so alone.

Of course not, but u know
that’s not what I want so
I will need some time to
myself for a bit. Give me
a week or 3 and then
we’ll be sweet, k?

Thank u. I realised that
if we were going to get
serious I would have to
bring something to the
table so to speak. Can’t
do that as a student so
not fair on u

So there it was. I got things resolved, just as I'd intended. It just wasn't the resolution I'd ever wanted.

Long overdue update: Part 2

2006-08-20T20:25:00.000+12:00

I ended things with Matt the other week. It was on my weekend to-do list:
- Take dry-cleaning in
- Go grocery shopping
- Resolve things with Matt

And I know it’s a monumental leap to go from hot’n’steamy to GAME OVER in the space of one post, and I’m really so sorry for the long absence, my three faithful readers, but well, the going got tough and the tough just didn’t want to talk about it…

Mostly that’s because things started unraveling pretty much from the start in confusing and unexpected ways and I didn’t feel like blogging the gory details of the downfall as it happened.

But let me backtrack and try and fill in some of the gaps. Where were we? Oh that’s right, I was letting myself get swept away with desire by a man I liked.

Truth is, it happened a lot faster than I ever intended. Don’t laugh, but when I started online dating and considered the prospect of meeting someone I liked and was attracted to, I had grand intentions of waiting a ridiculously self-controlled amount of time before taking things to ‘the next level’. Like at least a month, maybe two - maybe more! I thought it would be a new and special thing to wait and really know someone before sleeping together.

Seems I underestimated the effect of a sexy man’s touch on my poor neglected skin, for I managed to hold out for a mere four dates only - and even that was the height of restraint under the circumstances! (A month? Two months? Who was I kidding?)

So anyway, we kinda rushed things physically and once we started we didn’t stop. And it felt gooooood. For the longest time I’d been single and celibate, to the point where I could go for weeks and weeks without a single thought of sex even crossing my mind. Truth be told for quite a while there I floated through life feeling kind of numb, disconnected from my body and mildly depressed. My libido had left the building long ago.

Not that I want to dwell on my libido for too long (my friends read this blog and are finding out all sorts of things they might rather not know about my libido at this point in time!) but meeting Matt and fancying Matt and eventually shagging Matt certainly got things kick-started in that area. And it felt fantastic to actually feel something again. I felt sexy and vital and happy and alive. So yeah, that was nice.

But then I went through that period in a new relationship where you just feel uncertain. Not sure what’s happening. Not sure if he actually likes you or if he’s just in it for the sex. Not sure he’s not sleeping with every other woman on the dating site you met through. And terrified because you realize that you really like him and if he doesn’t like you back and it’s all going to turn to crap you’re not going to be very happy about it…

Yep folks, I officially turned to insecure girly mush.

Long overdue update: Part 1

2006-06-20T21:24:00.000+12:00

So, I owe you an update on what’s been happening with Matt, since it’s been by far the most exciting, distracting, frustrating, tantalizing experience of this online thing so far (how’s that for a teaser?).

Last time we spoke of Matt I was giddy from a most unusual experience – having a great second date with a guy I like and fancy at the same time of (unheard of!).

I’m not sure how much to tell you of what happened next, because well, it’s moved fast from standard dating territory into hot’n’steamy land (which for me is absolutely NOT standard dating territory!).

Things began to take a different, more suggestive turn via instant message. After our night of movies Matt made a comment about his ‘Roman hands’ (ie: roamin’ hands) from the night before and how he hoped he hadn’t pushed it too far. I had to ask what ‘Roman hands’ were which led to him telling me about the purity test. Have you ever done one of these? It wasn’t something I’d come across, but it’s a test of 500 questions that you answer and at the end you get a score telling you how ‘pure’ you are out of 100%.

It’s silly but fun, so I ended up taking the test online, continuing to chat with Matt while I was going through it. Came to the end and I shared my score (if you want to know – leave me a comment. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours…).

All this led to some fairly frank conversation between Matt & me, culminating in him offering to do certain things to me (oh my!). This was all very new to me and honestly, just a touch intoxicating. Turns out seduction by instant message works quite well for me – guess it makes sense since I’m very wordy. Dirty talk out loud, in person? Not my thing at all, I just find it embarrassing and not very sexy. Dirty talk by IM? Hot, hot, HOT! (Am I sharing too much yet? You might want to stop reading here.)

This was all very nice and making me weak at the knees, but at the same time I was conflicted. Torn between the desire to let a relationship build slowly, to really know a person before taking things to a physical level and, well – just flat out desire. (It’s been a looooooooong time, people.) The mind was willing but the flesh was weak, and when Matt asked me if I wanted company that night, I totally buckled and said yes (Yes! Oh my God, yes…).

To be continued…

Russian foolishness

2006-06-05T17:35:00.000+12:00

I've been terrible at updating lately, I know, my bad... Let me start to get you up to date.

It's a long weekend here in NZ for Queen's Birthday (one of the few benefits of belonging to the commonwealth...) and today I got a text from Rex asking me if I'd go and see Sione's Wedding with him next Friday.

We've seen each other two times since I last wrote about him. Last weekend we went and saw Da Vinci Code (as if I need to link to that - is there anyone in the world who doesn't know about this movie?!) and had some yakitori for dinner afterwards. I didn't think the movie was that great, I enjoyed the book more. Dinner was okay, but just okay. Conversation was starting to dry up a little and well, to tell the truth, Matt's still been occupying prime real estate in my overworked female brain these days.

Rex did a very sweet thing when one of those peddlers came around with a basket of roses, trying to guilt the men into a romantic gesture - he leapt at the opportunity to shell out five bucks for a stem with not a hint of reluctance. It was a nice touch, but marginally embarrassing as well. Must have been a neon sign to others that we were on an early-days date. Anyway, at the end of the night he walked me to my car and we said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

The next day I was chatting with my good friend in France about the latest happenings in my love life and when I came to talk about Rex, I summed up my feelings like this: I like him but I don't want to rip his clothes off, and I want to want to rip the guy I'm dating's clothes off...

And that's the kiss of death for Rex because chemistry's the one thing I'm unwilling to compromise on as I go about this online dating thing. I've been in plenty of relationships with 'nice guys' who won me over with persistant wooing but who, when it came down to it, didn't set my loins alight and frankly, I think that's been a significant factor in my relationships ending.

I know I'm not alone in thinking this is of supreme importance. I've just read this great book and one of the author's friends says essentially, it comes down to this: "Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever - or not?"

But at the same time, I'm uncertain if chemistry alone is a good barometer. Or if chemistry is necessarily instant. So when Rex suggests we check out something from the Comedy Festival, I decide a third date is worth a shot and should confirm whether I want my belly anywhere near his or not. We meet in town on Thursday to go see Rhys Darby and his show was pretty funny, we had a good laugh. We went to a small Japanese restaurant afterwards and ate some good tempura and teriyaki chicken. Hey, at least my belly's getting filled if nothing else tonight!

And it's just as well, because I don't think Rex's belly has any business being in my belly's vicinity. Which is a pity, because he's clearly a good guy, but I can't discount how I feel. The clincher is when he tells me he came very close to going to Russia to meet a woman he'd met online. Now not only do I not want to rip his clothes off but I think he's an idiot too, for even considering it. He can tell I'm not impressed and justifies it by saying he thought it would be a good way to see a different part of the world, and maybe have the possibility of something more. And sure, I can see that. But seriously? Come on... At least he didn't actually end up going - seems Ms Russia started asking for money which put him off. But still, I can't help but look at him differently for even thinking of it. Judgemental, sure. But it's the truth.

Conversation moves on to other things and we finish our meals and once again things end with a kiss on the cheek when he walks me back to my car - I'm eternally grateful that he's not pushy/confident enough to go for a kiss on the lips because I just don't want to.

And so today, I get Rex's text asking me out again and I have to tell him no, not now, not ever - which I hate doing. Especially by text. But I do, I reply saying thanks, but I'd rather not. That to be honest, I don't see things going any further. But thanks for everything.

I get a funny reply from him a few minutes later:

Whoops! I must have
revealed too much when
I told you about the
russian!

Makes me laugh - he's spot on! He signs off saying we probably don't have that much in common anyway. I figure from the tone of his text that he's not terribly distraught or surprised, which helps assuage my bad feeling of turning a nice man down.

And what's happening with Matt, you may ask? Well, there's some stuff to tell there but you'll have to wait for the update...

Good progress...

2006-05-21T16:29:00.000+12:00

Currently listening to: Basement Jaxx

Just one kiss will make it better
Just one kiss, and we'll be flying high...

It was a good dating weekend for brunette babe - hallelujah!

Friday night I met up with Rex, who's a guy I've been exchanging emails with pretty much since I first signed up online, so well over a month now.

I wasn't sure about how this one would go. My impression of him via email was that he's quite reserved. His emails were slightly formal, he'd sign off with 'regards, Rex' which, I don't know, just felt more professional than personal. And the fact that we'd been emailing for ages and he still hadn't asked me out struck me as odd.

He called me once a couple of weeks back and we had a brief, slightly stilted conversation during which he still didn't ask me out. The next day though he emailed saying it was nice to talk to me, and that he hoped he hadn't sounded as nervous as he was. I thought that was kind of cute, so a couple of emails later I signed off with a playful "so are you EVER going to ask me out...". Time to meet and move on one way or another.

And so, on Friday night, I met him at a cafe after work. We had a pleasant time talking over drinks and a mezze platter and I was pleased with how it went. It was quite relaxed and while I didn't feel immediately attracted to him in that "oh my God I wish he'd touch me" kind of way, I could see the potential for him to grow on me. We said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and I went home quite content.

The next day, I got a lovely email from him. He said it was really nice to meet me and that I lived up to what I wrote about myself on my profile, that he thinks I am indeed smart, cute and funny (yup, I'm really humble about myself in my profile ;). He also attached a photo of his cat he'd told me about, who he rescued as a wild kitten. You gotta love a man that cares about animals so that was a nice touch. But most of all I found it generous of him to give some good affirmation so soon after our date that he liked me - you always wonder how you came across and what people thought, so it's a relief to know right from the outset.

However, probably unfortunately for Rex, my mind has been mostly on Matt, he of the fun impromptu date last Thursday (and who had illicited a bit of an "oh my God I wish he'd touch me" reaction from me).

Our first date had been really enjoyable for me, plus I'd fancied him which is always a good sign - but since then, I hadn't heard from him and I wanted to.

I started to worry that I'd gone about things the wrong way and made things too easy for him. You see, I went to the library recently and loaded myself up with books on relationships and dating - I figure a little advice could only help in the process. And one of the books I got was The Rules for Online Dating, written by the same women that wrote the original book The Rules.

Now, to be sure there's a good part of me that thinks their 'play hard to get' approach is so much hooey, but there are elements that I tend to agree with, one of them being that it is far more effective to let the man do the pursuing. Sure, I'm a feminist and believe 'girls can do anything' and all that, but there have been several times in my life when I've gone after a guy I've been interested in and not once - not ONCE - has it been successful.

So after reading this book I realised that I'd broken all The Rules with Matt. I made myself available by instant messaging (too casual, too little effort required by the guy to make contact) and I'd accepted a last minute invitation (showing I had nothing better to do). And since I hadn't heard from him, I wondered if I'd come across too eager. Not good, instigate damage control procedures immediately!

Step 1: To make myself a touch more unavailable. I stopped logging into instant messenger every time I was online. I signed in just once last week and let him initiate a chat which I kept fairly short.

Step 2: To move things from IM to the phone. I knew that Matt went to see The Da Vinci Code on Thursday, so I decided I'd send him an easy breezy text to find out what he thought of it, and see if that might spark something. I waited until early Saturday afternoon and sent it off and it had exactly the desired response - he told me what he thought of the movie (okay, not bad but not that great either) and then asked me if I wanted to watch a DVD that night. Success!

How about that, sometimes over-thinking a thing actually works! Okay, so it's still totally against The Rules to accept a last minute date, but frankly, I was okay with that. There was no way I was going to turn down a Saturday night date with a guy I know I like (So there, Ellen & Sherrie!)

He said he'd bring a DVD round at 8pm, I said I'd get us some Thai takeaways to eat. I was excited!

As the evening rolled around I gave my house a jolly good tidy up and hid all romantic self help books from sight. Had a good long shower, shaved my legs (in direct contradiction of Charming But Single's Single Girl's Law #1) and generally got myself all sexy'd up (in a staying at home, watching DVDs kind of way - not too dressy). I was looking forward to this!

I think the single male population of NZ detected this as well. As I was getting ready I got a bunch of texts from two different guys - Angel Boy was one, telling me about his day and a last minute invitation to meet for drinks from Paul, this random online guy who texts or calls occasionally and then disappears for a while. He's done the last minute invite thing before and with him I'm quite good at playing by The Rules. I reply back, 'sorry, got plans. Haven't you learned? I'm a busy girl, gotta book ahead". Pretty blunt, but you can do that when you don't really care about the outcome. We agree to meet up for drinks on Tuesday.

8pm rolls around and I'm quietly fizzing with excitement. Finally I hear him pull up and knock at the door and I welcome him inside. He's still cute - in fact he's shaved off the touch of a goatee he had last week which makes him look even better in my eyes (I'm not big on facial hair).

We settle down with our Thai food and end up watching the movies that are playing on TV. Quite a selection in fact, we watch Minority Report (Oh Tom, why did you have to jump the couch?), Say It Isn't So (lame Heather Graham/Chris Klein number) and The Rainmaker (Matt Damon circa 1997, nice).

It was such a nice night. Matt's just easy to be with, I felt so comfortable with him, just totally at ease (very unusual for me with a guy). He won some good brownie points too by letting my cat curl up on him - love me, love my cat!

So we were watching all these movies (and it started getting pretty late), and as nice as it was, I wonderd if/when he was going to make a move. We'd been sitting casually side by side all night, and like I said - it was getting late. Well, my cat helped move things along. (Okay, that sounds weird - better explain fast). I reached for my drink suddenly which startled her and made her jump off him. He made a comment about how he'd get cold now (still pretty icy here in Auckland, even with the heater on at full blast) and how I'd better take her place, so - this is embarrassing - I jokily pretended to curl up on his lap and purr (I told you I'm a dork). Not the smoothest move, for sure, but he took it as a good sign and moved in to kiss me. Several minutes of passionate kissing ensued (cheers! applause from the audience! finally!) and significant plot points in The Rainmaker passed us by unnoticed. We came up for air, watched the end of the movie and finally he dragged himself off home at about 2.30am with one last kiss for the road.

And I slunk upstairs and went happily to sleep, content with the knowledge that at last I'd had that ever elusive thing, a successful second date!

Good Date / Sad Date

2006-05-16T21:26:00.000+12:00

Currently listening to: Everything is not broken by John Mayer

Everything is not broken
If everything's not fine

I've had two dates last week, and as you might gather from the title they were quite different from each other.

The Good Date

Thursday was an unexpected, spontaneous date with Matt, someone I've shared a couple of emails and instant message chats with. I was all set to spend the evening in front of my PC, blogging away for you good people and he IMd me when I logged on. We 'talked' for a bit, and when I asked him what he was up to, he said he was bored and asked if I wanted to do something. I was like, 'Tonight? Now?!' (spontaneity's never been my strong suit). I decided it wasn't a good idea, I had a quiet evening at home in mind and once I'm settled on doing something it takes a lot to get me to reconsider. So I told him I needed an early night, that I had a lot to get done at work the next day (bearing in mind it was already nearly 9pm).

So we continue chatting, and then:

Matt to BB: Not to be the little devil on your shoulder... but you sure we can't go for coffee or a drink somewhere. We could have you home well before you turn into a pumpkin..
Matt to BB: Isn't Thursday night the new Friday anyway???
BB to Matt: Thinking about it....
>pause<
BB to Matt: Oh all right...
Matt to BB: Ha!

You see, when I thought about it, I figured there was absolutely no good reason to stay at home. Better to blog about my love life or go out there and create more material to blog about? Definitely the latter!

So we arranged to meet in half an hour at my old favourite date spot (good dates, bad dates - SPQR's been there for them all!). A quick make-up touchup and a spritz of perfume later and I'm out the door. The novelty of meeting someone on short notice has me kind of excited.

I plan to stay for just an hour or so, but Matt turns out to be cute (very cute!), nice and very easy to talk to. He's definitely a chatty guy and it's refreshing - the first date where conversation hasn't been a struggle. Some of our talk is a little deep too, touching on love, life and family - it's nice to delve beyond small talk.

The super low lighting of SPQR is working for me - he looks really good and I wonder if he'll kiss me - I hope so. Some slinky house music is on in the background, the gay waiters are all having fun and judging by the clientele it's clear that all the cool people are out hanging in Ponsonby on a school night. I almost feel like one of them except having referred to Thursday as a 'school night' automatically kills any coolness that might have rubbed off on me...

We end up talking over drinks for a couple of hours, long after I'd intended to turn into a pumpkin and go home. We leave SPQR and walk down Ponsonby Rd, he walks me to my car and I stop by the door so we can say goodbye. We have that awkward little pause where you don't know how you're going to do it and in the end I give him a kiss on the cheek and a semi-awkward hug. Darn it.

Nevertheless, clumsy goodbye notwithstanding, a very good date...

Fast forward to Saturday: The Sad Date

I've arranged to meet Joseph at The Whiskey, just down the road from SPQR. (I figure I can't bring every guy I meet to SPQR - the waiters will start talking - and this place looked like it had a similar cosy atmosphere when Matt and I walked past it).

I don't have high expectations going into this date. A) he's wearing a floppy gardening type hat in his profile photo and b) some of his emails have been a bit weird. The first one was good. The second one was completely kooky in ways that I can't really put my finger on. I decided to overlook that (and the hat) and agreed to meet him for drinks at 7pm - while inferring that I had plans for later on in the night so would likely be brief.

As I walk up to the bar, there's a lone man sitting at one of the outside tables. (To set the scene: Auckland has gone into full-on winter mode - it's icy and the rain has been thumping down all day. Town's not going to be busy tonight). I think it's him but my first thought is 'nah, he's too attractive'. I take a second look at him and say 'Joseph?' - and it is him. He's well put-together, wearing a trendy leather jacket with some casual sneakery type shoes, I like his face.

And then my flicker of hope is promptly extinguished as he struggles to bring himself to look at me and say a simple hello. Something in the way he carries himself tells me right then something's up. I warily move up to the bar, thinking it's going to be a long evening, and we look at the wine list in silence. We order our drinks, he gives the bartender some money and she hands him change, telling him it's $3.50. As she does this, he says 'I'll pay for both'. She looks at him and says 'That was for both'. It's a touch odd.

We take a seat and I start the conversation - it's clear that I'm going to have to drive this one. As we talk, I'm trying to suss him out. At first I think he's just extremely, painfully shy. He hardly looks me in the eye and he struggles to put words together. But over the course of the evening I start to think it's more than that, I think he's experienced some kind of brain trauma. He's not unintelligent at all - he's creative, shoots time-lapse photography, knows arty films I've never heard of - but there's a noticeable disconnect between his thoughts and his ability to articulate them. He tells me he had to give up his job as a video editor. I think I see a scar on his forehead. The place is candlelit, it might just be a vein, but I fixate on it - I learn early on that his mother died in a car accident 10 years ago. Maybe he was in it too?

I feel tender towards this man, not because of romantic feelings blossoming, but because I fear that he's a fraction of some other version of himself. I've seen people who've been affected by strokes and aneurysms and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When something happens to your brain, it changes who you are and what your life is going to be. I fear this has happened to Joseph and it makes me sad. It makes me wonder what he might have been like before, if there is a before. Of course, it's all speculation on my part. He's not forthcoming on any mental problems. But I think I'm right.

We talk for an hour or more and I decide it's time to call it a night. I tell him I'd better head off - I lie that I'm meeting friends for dinner. I ask if he drove here - I'm guessing no, and I'm right. He was dropped off by a flatmate, so I offer to drop him home since he lives in a nearby suburb.

I don't know the way to his place and he points out turns I should have taken just as I pass them. I'm ready for our date to be over now. After a few u-turns, he tells me where to pull over. He asks if I want to go out to dinner sometime. I'm feeling kind of flat and I'm beyond bullshitting. I say something along the lines of 'hmmm, maybe'. He kisses me on the cheek and makes a gangly exit out of my car.

I drive home feeling sad for him and sad for me that I couldn't have a Saturday night date with someone I like in that way.

Postscript

Last night I sent Joseph an email, telling him thanks, but that I don't see romance on the cards for us. I do say that if he wants to do something as friends, I'd be up for that. I partially mean it (but if I'm honest, I mostly don't).

Mere minutes later, I see an email from him come in. He's thanking me for our 'hot date' and asking me out to dinner and a movie later in the week. I look at the time I sent my email, and then the time he sent his - they're a couple of minutes apart. Oh the horror, the awkwardness of it! My rejection was winging its way to him just as he was pinging an upbeat and hopeful second date invitation to me...

Will the uncomfortable dating situations never end?!!

I am a dating dork

2006-05-15T22:51:00.000+12:00

There's a lot of good information out there on the interweb if you take time to look. Too bad I didn't find Dating Monkey's site before I went online - could have saved myself from some major embarrassment.

You see, I'm ashamed that I was that girl that needed closure from a one date relationship. (Scroll down to 'Know when to give up'.)

Sigh.

More conversations with God

2006-05-15T21:50:00.000+12:00

Following on from the, uh, interesting texts I shared with Angel Boy last week (hereafter referred to as Gabriel), we've been IMing a bit lately. I don't see him as a love prospect in the slightest, but I have to admit, I'm still intrigued by all the angel talk and curious to hear more.

I tried to find out just what this $2000, 7 day intensive course on enlightenment involves but he was vague to say the least, said it was 'hard to explain' but that it blew his mind. When I asked him what he got out of it, he said "an understanding of life, why we are here and what and where we are meant to go and do". Well hey, that's all stuff I want to know so I asked him to share just what that all is - which he of course completely side stepped. No answers forthcoming here!

This weekend just been I was online and he messaged me and sent a webcam stream. Now frankly, I'm new to instant messaging and either I don't get the etiquette or people just suck at it. I've had some of the most boring conversations in all history on IM, and Gabriel is no exception. He'd write these short little sentences which left me little to respond to, and didn't add anything on that would prompt me to say something back. So we sat at our keyboards quite a bit not doing very much, yawn!

He asked me my plans for the weekend and I told him about some errandy things I needed to do - buy a winter duvet, get a mother's day present. On reading that, he answered thus:

winter duvet ?? you need a man :)

First of all: well, duh!
Second of all: is Angel Boy actually flirting with me?! This is different to our standard lofty spiritual speak...
Thirdly: not sure if the Stateside people know what a duvet is (it's a comforter)

I wrote back saying a winter duvet's less trouble than a man - after a moment's delay I could see him laughing on his webcam. That's kind of fun, makes the technology seem more human.

Today I got more text messages from him while I was at work. Kind of annoying, I don't have a whole bunch of time to write texts while I'm working. He asked me for my address, says he wants to send me something. I'm not averse to gifts so I gave him my work PO box number. Then another probing question from him:

How open are you to
your mind and spirit?

Good lord man, I have work to do! Plus I don't know how to answer that within 160 characters on a text message... I think I'm open, but at the same time I won't dumbly accept something when you can't tell me what it involves.

He writes back recommending some resources on www.abraham-hicks.com. Funnily enough, I actually know this stuff, I have a deck of 'well being cards' from them, and actually I like the sentiment.

When I tell him this, he gets pretty excited, telling me he likes me more and more, and that I should definitely do the intensive course!

Still dubious.

I've seen your picture and baby, I'm ready to move in!

2006-05-08T23:10:00.000+12:00

Over the weekend I got a new email from someone on the dating site, it was a short and simple one that said they liked my profile and how I looked and that they hoped to hear from me. Nothing to set the world on fire, but then I click to go through to his profile and see he's an African living in Switzerland.

Normally I wouldn't respond, but I'm still curious as to why people in other countries look for people overseas, so I sent an email back saying as much and asking why they wanted to talk to someone in New Zealand.

This is the email I got back:

Happy to hear from you. You made my day. According to your question : my first interest is not your country but yourself : you cought my eyes (beautiful girl, charming smile...)and i liked your profile... Then, i saw you live in New Zealand, it's a nice country . My msn is : *&^%@hotmail.com

We can have a chat and you can see me from my webcam

So really that didn't shed a whole lot of light on the situation. And by the way, I couldn't be less interested by the thought of interacting with this person over webcam!

I replied and thanked him for answering my question, and let him know that I'm only interested in meeting men in my own city. I didn't think I'd hear back from him again, but I got another email from him today saying, in essence, that he'd be ready to move to my town 'if you need' and that he hopes to hear from me 'sooner'.

Sheesh, I mean I know I'm kinda cute and all, but that's taking it to the extreme. God knows where I'd end up if I was the kind of person that would think that sounded like a good idea and had some random African Swiss person turn up on my doorstep!

Non, merci.

Calling all angels...

2006-05-04T21:45:00.000+12:00

So I had an interesting text exchange with one of my online 'suitors' this morning.

We've had very limited contact by email, this guy and me. I've had a couple emails from him telling me I seem interesting and that he'd like to talk to me, and then giving me his email address and mobile numbers.

Because I've been a busy little internet dater lately, and I've had lots of emails from people who have actually started a conversation rather than just saying they'd like to talk to me, I never got around to responding to him until a week or more later, at which point I gave him my number and told him to feel free to call. (I believe in letting the guys take the lead when it comes to making contact).

This morning my alarm (my cellphone) went off at 7.30 but I snoozed it a couple of times. Next thing I know I'm woken up by the new text message bleep, I reach for my phone and see it's almost 8.30. Fuck! I was going to try and get into work by nine - that's not going to happen. I look at the message and it's him saying he's online now if I want to chat. I reply and tell him I can't right now - I've just realised I've slept in, but thanks for waking me.

He texts back:

No worries have nice
day and talk soon just 1
question how spiritual
are you (angels) x

Hmm... I know why he's asking this - on my profile I listed myself as being 'spiritual' instead of listing a particular religion. I text back telling him that I like to believe in angels, which is true.

This is the reply I get:

When you feel them
rush into your body you
can do nothing but believe x

Riiiiiiiiiiiight... I think about this as I have a quick shower and try to get ready as fast as I can. There's quite a difference between our positions. I said I like to believe in angels, as in, I choose to think they might exist despite not having any experiences that would constitute something resembling convincing evidence that this is the case. He says that angels rush into his body on a regular basis... The sceptic on my shoulder is muttering a quiet "Sounds like bollocks to me!" in my ear.

He also sent me a link to the website of the retreat he works for - I can't wait to get to the office to take a look. I check it out as soon as I get in and find that it's lead by a couple who claim to offer a process that is "one of the most powerful transformational, consciousness-raising programs in the world". There are pages of information containing buzzwords like enlightenment, divine energy, miraculous healings, spiritual detoxification but nothing that gives me any clue as to what they actually do to achieve this.

I have to admit, the talk of enlightenment interests me, while also making me extremely dubious about their claims. Mostly I'm just curious though, so I'm going to get in touch with this guy and find out more about this place, and also what he does.

Don't worry though, I don't think I'll be shelling out two grand any time soon so I can go there and work on becoming enlightened...

The aftermath...

2006-04-30T20:56:00.000+12:00

There's a period of time after a date where things are exciting and hopeful, but anxious and nervewracking at the same time. Where you begin to imagine what might be, while fearing it could crash and burn without going any further, leaving you dejected, rejected and sad.

In the 'old days' (my late teens/early twenties), this used to be a difficult time for me. I'd be freaking out if I didn't hear from the guy straight away and could think of nothing else. I would literally wait by the phone, willing it to ring. Ah, those were the days... But now that I'm a mature woman of 30, self assured and confident of my worth, things are... exactly the same!

So here's the run down of the post-date-with-Tim period:

Friday: Date night.

Saturday: I'm feeling good, doing my own thing, not really thinking about how or when we'll next speak. 8.30pm I get a text from him asking good day? I'm pleased to have some contact so soon, and text him back.

Sunday: I think about seeing him again, and wonder when we will. Not worried yet...

Monday: I have no plans for the day and want to see him, so I decide to initiate contact. I text him asking if he wants to do something later on. No answer... for a couple of hours... I figure he's off doing something and get on with my day.

Later I get a text saying sorry he missed my text, he was driving up north to visit his parents and was staying there overnight - unfortunately (his word). Plus a smiley face :). I'm sorry we don't get to meet up, but feel reassured.

Tuesday: Back to work, I sit at my desk and think I'll probably hear from him today. Nope...

Wednesday: I keep my cellphone perched up by my computer and look at the screen every 10 minutes to see if anything's come through. Nothing has and nothing does for the whole day. I think about calling him, but I figure it's his turn - I put myself out there and asked him out, now he should get in touch to arrange another time. I don't want to seem too eager...

Thursday: Still no word, and by now every feminine sensory system in my body is screaming "man overboard!". Something in the pit of my stomach tells me Tim's a goner and I'm not going to hear from him again. But I look back to the signals - that goodnight kiss, a text the next day, a hint that he would've liked to have taken me up on my Monday offer - and I decide to throw out one last feeler to see if I can prompt a conversation.

10am, I send him a casual email asking him about his week and telling him about this team building thing we're doing that afternoon. By the end of the day, I haven't heard back and I take a minute to reflect on the end of a very brief relationship... Barring some highly unlikely turn of events (eg: Tim's untimely death) I realise that he's gone AWOL and has completely shut me out. I'm really surprised and confused - didn't see that one coming!

Friday/Saturday/Sunday: I ping-pong between sadness and anger. Sad because I'd genuinely wanted to get to know him better. Angry because I can't believe he just stopped replying - what a shitty way to treat someone! So disrepectful and incredibly thoughtless. Not to mention cowardly. A quick dumping by text would have been far preferable - and more humane.

I think about telling him about how I feel and go so far as to draft a bitter and angry text - but I show some rare restraint and don't push send. I do begin to write him an email though. I'm not sure if I'm going to send it, but I want to put my feelings into words. I save it as a draft and think about whether to send it or not. In the end, I do. Mainly I want to bring things to a definite close in my mind. But I also want to remind Tim that people's feelings are at stake here.

Hi Tim,

Well I’m guessing from your silence that I’m not your cup of tea. It would have been nice to get to know you better but that’s okay. It also would have been nice if you’d just said something to let me know, but I guess that’s an awkward conversation to have. For the record, it felt horrible to be left hanging this week and wondering why.

Thanks for the nice night out anyway, I appreciated it, and no hard feelings - I hope things work out for you.

Take care
bb

And so a disappointing end to my first internet dating experience... Back to the drawing board!

Very first internet date...

2006-04-29T21:29:00.000+12:00

Fast forward to Good Friday and life is looking good... Four days off work, a cupboard full of Easter eggs, and a hot date with someone I'm looking forward to meeting.

I potter around the house until it's time to get ready, at which point I take my time. I have a good long shower and choose an outfit and jewellery and put my makeup on. Now this is a part of the date I really like, where you're making a special effort to look (and feel) good while fizzing with the anticipation of what's to come.

Fully scrubbed up, I drive to Ponsonby, allowing myself enough time to get there and be on time, but not enough time to get there too early and be the one sitting there like a wally waiting for the other. I sit in my car for a couple of minutes, trying to calm the butterflies (and further reduce my chance of being the first to arrive) until I finally step out of the car and head towards the cafe. I walk in and look around - he told me he'd be wearing a red shirt. Can't see any red sitting out on the patio, or at the bar, or at any of the inside tables - damn! I beat him here... I decide to head to the toilets to regroup and fill in time - and bump into a tall fellow in a red shirt on the way there.

Caught a little off guard, our initial hellos are slightly awkward and we make our way to a little table beside the window looking out onto the street. We start talking and I think we're both nervous. Conversation stops and starts and we look out the window in silence as we think of the next topic. I drink my juice, he's drinking beer. This soon gets sucked down and for the next hour or so we sit nursing our free water which the styley waiters frequently come round to top up - we're not going to be their biggest tab of the night, that's for sure!

During conversation he tells me some interesting tidbits about himself, but holds back on all the details. For example, he tells me his brother married one of his girlfriends, someone he saw for two years and lived with for one. I'm curious to know how that panned out - did they break up and then she got together with his brother, or did she break his heart and switch immediately from one to the other? I decide it's bad form to grill him about something that must have been painful on some level, so I let it pass - but I want to find out more.

After stretching out our drinks as long as possible, he asks if I want to carry on and do something else. I say sure so he asks me what we should do - which I hate being asked, I'd far rather the guy take the lead on a first date - but I suggest we take a walk outside. It was an unexpectedly nice day, sunny with an edge of crispness. The sun was just beginning to disappear and we walked up Ponsonby Rd towards one of the parks, where I learn yet another intriguing nugget about Tim - he's been arrested once, but got off whatever the charge was with diversion (NZ's 'clean slate' policy for first time offenders) . He doesn't offer any information about what it was he was doing but I conclude it's probably minor.

We walk a little and then decide to get something to eat. We take his car into town and hit Tanuki's Cave, an awesome yakitori bar in town. We walk down the stairs and it's got this great atmosphere - small room, dark and cosy. The Japanese staff all yell out a greeting in Japanese as we enter and I figure this is just the thing to put us at ease and open up a bit.

We sit side by side up at the bar and order some skewers. I love this place (even though it's the first time I've been in) and stop worrying about things. The food arrives and is delicious and we happily dig in with our chopsticks. We eat leisurely, talking more about bits and pieces. As we finish up our meal and go to leave, I figure our evening's coming to an end, which I think is fine as we've pretty much exhausted conversation. But Tim suggests we find something else to do and I can't figure out a nice way to wrap things up so agree.

We walk up to the movie theatres but nothing starts for an hour or more. We try the smaller arthouse theatre by the library but they only have one screen and likewise don't have anything starting soon. We walk around aimlessly for a bit, then head back to his car. At this point I'm thinking, surely now we'll wind things up, but no - Tim suggests we find something else to do and I'm still too polite to suggest otherwise. So we end up back in his car and on our way to Mission Bay, which admittedly is a pretty romantic date location. We wind up at a near empty cafe and get coffees.

By now we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel conversation-wise, and mostly sit quietly, people-watching. There's a constant stream of people walking past us on the main drag, plus there's an asian couple sitting at one of the outside tables and the guy is fiddling with his digital camera and taking photo after photo of himself. So it's a great place to people-watch, but at this point we're 5+ hours into our date and I'm ready to head back home, crack open an easter egg and curl up on the couch to watch a bit of telly.

I wonder what Tim's thinking of all this. Is the silence as awkward for him as it is for me? But it seems not, he makes some comment about how fun it is to people-watch, and I agree - and then he suddenly says "oh no, you're not bored are you?", as though it had just occurred to him that I might be. I give him a little smile and say "no, not at all" but I don't know how convincing I am.

Finally, we make a move and leave the cafe and there's no suggestion of going anywhere else - he's taking me back to my car which is still in Ponsonby. I'm relieved, not because I had a horrible time (I didn't) but because I feel a little drained after 6 hours of date-anxiety (am I boring him? Oh my god, we're not talking - what can we talk about now?) and I'm more than ready to call it a night.

As we drive back, I think about how to end the night and decide to go for a warm kiss on the cheek, or maybe a quick smacker on the lips if the approach goes well. But as he pulls over in front of my car, he beats me to it and leans in and gives me a real kiss. It surprises me but I'm not unwilling, and the kiss - my first in quite a while - is very, very nice. Warm and soft and lingering and all around lovely. I pull away and smile at him, finger his gorgeous curly hair for a second. Out of nowhere he says "I'm quite shy", and I'm not sure what he wants to say with that. We kiss again, and then I pull myself away and say good night.

I have a lot to think about as I'm driving home and dissecting the night. I worry about the disrupted flow of conversation - things were so much better by email and text, we were zinging all over the place! I'd thought it would be more effortless than it was, and I worry that running out of conversation on the first date doesn't bode well for the future. But then I think of his admission that he's shy - I am too - and I think that maybe it's just a matter of getting to know each other better and feel more comfortable.

I think about the kiss too. It was really a great kiss and already I want more of them. I get home and as I take my cellphone out of my bag I see I've gotten a text message from him. I look at the time and realise he must have sent it right after we said good night. It says your lips are delicious, and good night, and to drive safe. It makes me smile and it makes me decide that this is definitely worth a second chance...

Bringing you up to speed...

2006-04-29T14:46:00.000+12:00

Okay, it's now been a full three weeks since I've been online so I really need to fill you in on how it's been going so far - this is going to be a long post.

After a long period of procrastinating, I finally got my sh*t together and did everything I needed to make my online 'debut'. I got my girl H to come around one night and take some pictures for me, trying to get that perfect mix of sexy but not slutty, friendly and open yet still a little mysterious, well posed but not contrived, and generally just gorgeous and not in any way desperate looking.

Let's just say as good a photographer as H is (and she rocks behind a camera), we struggled to get some good shots. Got plenty of me halfway through a blink or with some moronic expression on my face, but that wasn't really what I was going for.

We gave up and H and I went back to our business of eating pizza while indulging in some episodes of our fave Sex & The City on DVD. After H went home I touched up my lip gloss and took a zillion photos myself, doing the old stretch the arm out in front of you trick. I took so many and smiled so hard for so long that somewhere along the way I began to feel good and my smile became genuine and I got some really good shots, including the money shot which ultimately made it up online. Phew!

Now with the photo, I could write my profile. This wasn't so hard as I'd been working on it off and on for several weeks, after I first began to look at some sites and consider it as an option.

I uploaded my photo, chose a great username (nope, not telling, sorry ;), submitted my profile and sat back for a moment, wondering what can of worms I was opening up. I got a message saying my profile needed to be approved and that it could take 2 days. In the end it only took twelve hours, and as soon as it went up and became visible, responses started pouring in.

Mostly they were 'virtual kisses' - god I hate how lame that sounds, but it's a way for people to say 'hey, I'm interested', without actually writing anything personal. If you like the look of the person, you 'kiss' them back and they know they're probably not going to be rebuffed when they email you. If you get no kiss back, it's less of a rejection than if you sent an actual email.

The very first guy to contact me was a chubby fellow living in Whangarei. Hmm, not the most auspicious start. I wrote back saying thanks, but letting him know I'm limiting my search to guys that live in my city.

Several middle aged, divorced men living in rural towns followed. Then the foreigners started contacting from places much more far flung than Whangarei - Mexico, Dominican Republic, Ireland, Italy, Hong Kong, Cayman Islands, Switzerland, Japan, UK, Peru, Norway, Colombia, Australia, India - all over the place!

I was dumbfounded, I really hadn't expected that. What are these people doing looking for people in other countries? What do they want, what do they expect? I had a creepy feeling that maybe it was about cybersex (ew!), either that or they want a meal ticket into clean, green NZ, or maybe just a bit of escapism from daily (married?) life. Whatever the reasons, I find it absolutely bizarre and ignore all foreign virtual kisses.

So things were getting off to a somewhat weak start. I was surprised at the quantity of responses - it started to feel like work, all the administration involved with reading emails, looking at people's profiles to see if I wanted to contact them back - it reminded me of what it's like when you're hiring new staff. Some of the initial emails even sounded like cover letters you get with resumes (Hi, I am honest, straight and a gentleman. I also enjoy coffee and a walk on the beach. I am looking to carefully build a relationship with soulmate, wife, partners for life as the ultimate result. I look forward to your response...). Funny stuff.

And then I got one email that I liked the look of, from 'gotim5698'*. He said that he liked my profile, that he slipped under my age criteria (he's 27, I listed 29-39 as my bracket) but that he'd never had a girlfriend his own age. He said he had a funny photo up (a shot of him sitting at his desk from a distance, so you couldn't actually see his face) but that he could send a proper one through. He said a couple more things and then he signed of with a couple of kisses xx, cute.

I liked it, it was casual and light hearted, it wasn't a lame-ass virtual kiss, and he sounded nice. I looked at his profile and liked what he'd written. So I wrote him back an equally light hearted email, saying he sounded interesting and that I'd like to see his photo. Asked him a couple of questions based on his profile and signed off.

The next day the photo came through and lo and behold - the man was cute! Yes, I say this with some surprise because I tend not to trust a profile photo that doesn't actually show your face. What's so bad with it that you can't show it? But not Tim, he'd taken his own photo the same way I had and had a nice smile on his face, a cheeky gleam in his eyes, thick curly dark hair, trendy thick black rimmed glasses and was wearing a very cool shirt. In short, yummy! He joked that he thought he looked like Beaker off the Muppets which I thought was funny (and so not true!). But funnily enough he did remind me a little of the lead guy from Weezer (he wears the same black glasses), who coincidentally did a music video with the Muppets once.

I responded, saying it was a relief to see a good looking guy, and continued on our email conversation which was going really well and highlighting some things we had in common. It was coming up to Easter so I asked if he had any plans and shared that I would be generally resting and relaxing and partaking deeply in the eating of Easter chocolate.

He wrote back the next day telling me about some of the things he was planning, and then he said "Well I must say, you're the only person I've talked to, or have seen on-line that I would actually like to meet in person. :-)" which made me smile. And he suggested getting together for coffee or something over the long weekend, leaving his contact details at the bottom of the email.

I was delighted and excited at the prospect of meeting him. I texted him to say it sounded like a good idea, and after a fun, flirty text exchange, we made plans to meet at one of my favourite cafes the next afternoon. I went back to my work with a big smile on my face, feeling good and looking forward to tomorrow...

* names all changed to protect the innocent

Stop the madness!

2006-04-23T21:24:00.000+12:00

So here's the deal: I've been single for nigh on 18 months now with no prospects in sight. To get you up to speed, here is the full run down of my love life during this time (don't worry, it won't take long):

Circa October 2004 - broke up with boyfriend.

March 2005: I asked out the guy who re-painted our office (by text, because I'm a wuss). I got a message back almost a week later (a week!!!!), which of course meant the answer was no - he said he had a partner. Shamed, I now can't look him in the eye when he comes by to touch up our paintwork... Thankfully, I moved to California for a four month assignment shortly afterward which gave some welcome distance to that awkward situation.

May 2005: Now working in California, I had a maybe-date with the IT guy that looked after our serviced offices. Okay, so it wasn't really a date so much as a bribe for doing a lot of urgent changes for us when his guaranteed response was 48hrs. But it was my first lunch in a very long time with a member of the opposite sex that could potentially, with a bit of imagination, be considered a date. I was super stressed by work at the time and was really lousy company. He said we should do it again sometime, yet he never asked - how strange.

June 2005: I developed a schoolgirl crush on the beautiful winewaiter at my favourite restaurant in Newport Beach, Gulfstream. For a start he looked like Hugh Jackman - the man was HOT! But what really charmed me was when I asked him about a particular wine on the menu one night and he waxed lyrical for a full five minutes, comparing it to the grassiness of New Zealand sauvignon blancs.

The combination of his obvious passion for wine, his male model looks, and the fact that he was familiar with something to do with my obscure little country was just enchanting and made me weak at the knees. I ate there at every chance I could get after that night, but alas never worked out a classy way to hit on the bar staff, leaving my love unrequited - especially since I soon moved back to New Zealand, home of the grassy sauvignons.

September 2005: Two extremely awkward dates with a colleague. I know, I know, I never should have gone there - but I took what I could get at the time. He's actually a really good guy, but he's one of those people that gets nervous in social situations. I don't hold that against him - I'm exactly the same - but put two awkward people together and that ain't the best love match in the world.

I stuck it out for the second date 'cause we hadn't kissed yet and I wanted to see if that might magically spark some sweet chemisty. Unfortunately this was not the case - we finally kissed after literally hours of skirting around it and edging closer together on the sofa, and, well, it was just the strangest kiss I've ever had.

Now this is clearly not good - when you think to yourself "what the hell is he doing?!", you know it's time to give up the ghost. I made the speediest possible departure and a couple of days later told him I wasn't ready to be anything more than friends. And then I avoided walking by his desk for a full six months... Now that a little time has passed, I can bring myself to look him in the eye and this is certainly helpful for those times when we have to do some work together...

And since September? Bubkis, nichts, nada! Zero romantic action of any kind and zero prospect of getting any in the course of day to day life. It demanded drastic action. So what did I do? I took two bold steps:

1. I booked myself in for speed dating, and
2. I put my profile up online and subscribed as a member

And in the two weeks since I've done this, I've certainly come into contact with plenty of single men. I've also developed a nervous twitch - my upper left eyelid now spasms on a regular basis, directly in proportion to the amount of stress, distress, confusion and frustration these romantic antics cause me.

Hence the birth of this blog, to document my experiences, vent the tension and try to make sense of the whole damn thing! Stick around, it's going to be a wild ride...