Sunday, August 20, 2006

Long overdue update: Part 2

I ended things with Matt the other week. It was on my weekend to-do list:
- Take dry-cleaning in
- Go grocery shopping
- Resolve things with Matt

And I know it’s a monumental leap to go from hot’n’steamy to GAME OVER in the space of one post, and I’m really so sorry for the long absence, my three faithful readers, but well, the going got tough and the tough just didn’t want to talk about it…

Mostly that’s because things started unraveling pretty much from the start in confusing and unexpected ways and I didn’t feel like blogging the gory details of the downfall as it happened.

But let me backtrack and try and fill in some of the gaps. Where were we? Oh that’s right, I was letting myself get swept away with desire by a man I liked.

Truth is, it happened a lot faster than I ever intended. Don’t laugh, but when I started online dating and considered the prospect of meeting someone I liked and was attracted to, I had grand intentions of waiting a ridiculously self-controlled amount of time before taking things to ‘the next level’. Like at least a month, maybe two - maybe more! I thought it would be a new and special thing to wait and really know someone before sleeping together.

Seems I underestimated the effect of a sexy man’s touch on my poor neglected skin, for I managed to hold out for a mere four dates only - and even that was the height of restraint under the circumstances! (A month? Two months? Who was I kidding?)

So anyway, we kinda rushed things physically and once we started we didn’t stop. And it felt gooooood. For the longest time I’d been single and celibate, to the point where I could go for weeks and weeks without a single thought of sex even crossing my mind. Truth be told for quite a while there I floated through life feeling kind of numb, disconnected from my body and mildly depressed. My libido had left the building long ago.

Not that I want to dwell on my libido for too long (my friends read this blog and are finding out all sorts of things they might rather not know about my libido at this point in time!) but meeting Matt and fancying Matt and eventually shagging Matt certainly got things kick-started in that area. And it felt fantastic to actually feel something again. I felt sexy and vital and happy and alive. So yeah, that was nice.

But then I went through that period in a new relationship where you just feel uncertain. Not sure what’s happening. Not sure if he actually likes you or if he’s just in it for the sex. Not sure he’s not sleeping with every other woman on the dating site you met through. And terrified because you realize that you really like him and if he doesn’t like you back and it’s all going to turn to crap you’re not going to be very happy about it…

Yep folks, I officially turned to insecure girly mush.


At 23 August 2006 at 9:00 AM, Anonymous TravelGirlDC said...

You are a girl. You are allowed to turn into girly mush over a cute boy.


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